Put a condom on your finger and be a BITCH about it.

Some days, you just don’t want to do it. You just don’t. Whether it be waking up, going to work, working out, saving the planet, some days, it’s just TOO SOON.  But you know you have to. Sometimes, you have to do it not for you, but as a sacrifice for someone else’s well-being. Like when your boyfriend wants you to do…that. You know what I’m talking about. We don’t have to talk about it, do we? You know…how sometimes he wants to have you touch that place that’s the opposite of his mouth? How sometimes he wants a whole finger up there? And all you can think about is what he’s eaten that day. How he hasn’t showered since last night and there’s no way things are clean around there, what with that bean-and-cheese burrito smell that was coming from the bathroom earlier. But…he really likes it. So…you know you have to do it. But you’re not happy about it, and can’t pretend you are. This is where the DFT comes in to give you that mantra to get you through, because when the going gets tough, the tough get rough. It’s something we all say to each other in times where motivation is lacking. And it works. So the next time you’re faced with something you’d really rather not do, but know you have to, just tell yourself to put a condom on your finger and be a bitch about it. We all do…


LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jan 2
Happy New Year DFT. I just want to put my arms around each and every one of you and fuck. You guys are not the kinds of boys who make me want to put a condom on my finger and act like a bitch about it. Erin and her friends did a good ass job of planning a fun ass party but some people's stories are their own to tell if you know what I mean.


SF sluts and hos we should do a dinner sometime soon. Anybody feel like murdering some crabs at my house this week? 
- Show quoted text –


LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jan 3
Happy first monday in 2011. I hope all the dft had fun ass chinese chicken noodle new years. 
LA was too soon so I had to put a condom on my finger and act like a bitch about it. 
It took us 11 hours to get home but that bullhorn helped a lot in the 101 parking lot.
How are you doing today Russ?
- Show quoted text –


DK to LP, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jan 3
Don't let that bitch get away. You better get her license plate number.

Wait, what's this thing about wearing a condom on a finger like a bitch?  I don't understand.  Please explain.
- Show quoted text –


LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jan 4


I didn't text him for free tickets this time because I accidentally acted like a bitch with a condom on her finger and gave him the silent treatment the one time I've actually seen him since he boned me. So anyway, I kind of felt like I burned that bridge. 
- Show quoted text –


MT to LP, DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, AH


show details Jan 28
Syaaaack.  You should have put a condom on your finger and been a BITCH about it.
- Show quoted text -


LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Feb 28
It was fun as hell. I'm in pain right now, barely slept and the oscars were lame. What was with Franco's dead guy routine and Hathaway's pageant smile. There is such a thing as bad publicity, silly A listers.


I'm watching MTV for the first time in a long time. Why did one of those jersey juiceheads say "Put a condom on your head I'm about to mind fuck you." Lollipop! 
- Show quoted text –


SC to LP, DK, me, DH, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Mar 9
My weekly promise is to not laugh when I see retarded people.
(this is FUN!)


My weekly promise is to not set fire to homeless camps. 


me to LP to DK, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Mar 9
stupid! 


my weekly promise is to put a condom on my finger and be a BITCH about it.
- Show quoted text –


MT to LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, AH
show details Mar 17
I'm mean...I'm ret to log into Facebook and put a comment condom on my finger and be a BITCH about it.


That shit is ruuuuuude and wrongk. My phone autocorrected to "roughhouse."


Sent from the iPhone of a pimp
- Show quoted text –


AH to LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT,
show details Jun 2
What a doofus! Oh my god Erin. Glad the saga is mostly resolved now! It must be unzip our faces week because it is goin round. I've put a condom on my finger everyday and been a BITCH about it.
--Show quoted text –


me to LP to DK, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jun 3
you guys, all day long there's been this weird rubber thimble thing on the counter in the bathroom and every time I see it I can't help thinking to myself that someone must've had to put a condom on their finger and been a bitch about it. 
- Show quoted text –


AH to LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT
show details Jun 3
Um Erin, I think that is one of those new fangled tampon things. Syack! 


Friday friday! 


I'm sorry Liz. Have a little white wine and put a condom on your finger!
- Show quoted text –


LP to me
show details Jun 23
6:20 PM 
L: yesterday I was at the orbit room and the bartender had a condom on his finger!!
and he was a bitch about it
but seriously
finger condoms are real
- Show quoted text –


me to LP to DK, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jun 24
oh uhhh YEAH he's gonna pay for that. And YEAH get thee to LA...just, you know, put a condom on your finger and go to the Thirsty Crow and get BENT. I'm sure I can arrange a rebound bang for you. 
- Show quoted text –


DH to me, LP, DK, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jul 6
Mang guys, I got RULL riled up by that. Even though, Erin, your comments made me laugh.


So I just got up on my pedastal, put a condom on my finger, and was a BITCH about it.  Why can't I resist?  Do not engage!
- Show quoted text –


me to LP to DK, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AD
show details Sep 9
you guys...I think this is a new show I need to pitch. What is happening? The 25 year-old from last Labrah Day is coming here at the end of the month and asked for my number, so I texted it to him and now he's blowing up my phone today ALREADY. TOO SOON. I mean, it's a family friend, so I don't want to put a condom on my finger and be a bitch about it, butttttt WEOW! 

So that's that. Get to it. 


Put a condom on your finger and be a BITCH about it: 
A way to tell someone to go ahead and do that thing they don't want to do but know they have to. Also, a way to practice safe sex. 

In My Own Boyfriend's House!

Oh these end of August dog days of summer are making me feel all nostalgic. What, pray tell, was I doing this time last year? Whelp tickets, I was basking in the sun-baked glory of the OC Housewives, watching sad little grown-up-lady fights in track home backyards end pseudo-friendships for entire seasons of television. Oh, that was the good stuff right there.

Naturally, the drunk bickering of  real Housewives has brought much new vocabulary into the world, whether it be an argument started over a round of SkinnyGirl margaritas or escalated into the ultimate insult—ya prostitution whore!!! My favorite from the OC women comes from the classiest of the classy, Tamra, and of course has become a favorite amongst everyone in the DFT.

Listen. Being a reality television producer is hard. You have to, like, watch tv allll day. And you have to make people say things they didn’t really say, but make it look like they did say it, like they really did! Housewives are amongst the most difficult nuts to crack when it comes to this task, because while they’re usually pretty sober for their interviews, that doesn’t make them coherent or sensible. And the big guys at Bravo like these ladies to say things. Real things. Things that express a point-of-view. So what was I to do when Gretchen and Tamra got into a nasty argument during Tamra’s Royal Plush Clothing shopping party and the execs got all confused because Gretchen put on a hat, delightfully embossed with rhinestones to form the shape of the evil eye, and said it would protect her from Tamra, and subsequently Tamra asked Gretchen if she was calling her an ‘evil bitch’? I mean, that makes no sense! It’s not like Tamra was looking for a fight. It’s not like these ladies stir up drama like it’s their job. Tamra had no business asking if Gretchen meant she was an evil bitch by saying the evil eye hat would protect her. No simple-minded American audience member was ever going to understand it. So for weeks and weeks, we scoured the footage, trying to find the missing link. And finally, another brilliant producer picks up the slightest audio of Gretchen murmuring that Tamra’s been a bitch to her for years. Well this presents a whole new problem. Tamra didn’t hear that muttering…or did she? Yes, she did, she did! That’s why she asked if Gretchen’s calling her an evil bitch!!!! Now we just have to tell the audience to believe that. Well, because of course Tamra didn’t hear this and was just trying to stir up drama like it’s her job, we had nothing in Tamra’s interview about Gretchen calling her a bitch. It was to be my greatest challenge ever: solving the Gretchen-calling-Tamra-a-bitch problem.

And I did it, I really did it! I had an epiphany one day sitting in the editing bay, thinking about how many people Tamra thinks are bitches and that there must be something we could use from that, when I remembered that 6 episodes later, Tamra gets into a nasty text-message fight with another housewife, who was defending Gretchen’s behavior at Tamra’s party and in the scene where Tamra tells her housewife ally about it, she reads aloud one of the text messages: ‘I was pretty nice to her as she stood there and called me a bitch! In my own boyfriend’s house!’ Even though it wasn’t in a formal interview, we slapped that puppy under a shot of Tamra looking pissed at her party, and BOOM. Problem solved.  It was the greatest audio cheat of my career to date. 

To my delight, the day after the episode aired, Richard Lawson, genius recapper of all things Housewives, gave unexpected credit where it was due: 

Real Housewives of Orange County: In My Own Boyfriend’s House

Last night the "original Housewives" returned for a one millionth season, though only one of the original monsters is left. The rest are the squealing wraiths we've collected along the way, blonde harridans who like nothing more than to fight with each other and blame it on the alcohol. So, nothing's changed.

The point is that Gretchen got drunk in the limo and started a bad precedent of being "funny," which in Drunk Gretchen Land is just insulting people and then laughing. Making fun of the way Juggs says "Ayy-Mex" and "BeCAWZ" is fine. But making fun of Tamra "in my own boyfriend's house," as she said? Not OK. In her own boyfriend's house! How dare you make fun of me in my own uncle's root cellar? Such insults, in my own cousin's sidecar motorcycle?? I mean, there are certain places where one does not make fun of someone else. Their own boyfriend's house is one. Their own dentist's mud room is another.

But yeah, Gretchen showed up and things were immediately tense with Tamra. The Plush Life lady was showing them the darling Evil Eye caps and Gretchen put one on and was like "Ohh I should wear it near you, Tamra!!" (in her own boyfriend's house!) and it was not good. It basically ruined the evening.

At this point both of these decrepit fifth graders were both wearing the stupid caps and it was just so sad and so dumb, these supposed adults gurgling at each other about how one girl made a mean hat joke and that's not nice to do at the other girl's own grampa's toolshed. It's just not very nice at all.

And from there, the term has snowballed, as they always do…

MT to LP, me, DK, RS, AH, SC, DT, DH

show details Jun 29

Oh Erin, last night Liz and I could not stop talking about all of the different things that were happening in our OWN boyfriend's house!

SC to me, DK, RS, AH, LP, MT, DT, DH

show details Jun 29

Oh god. My own boyfriend's house is rull good right now.

Efren is doing a bway bway qway at his house Saturday. I can't wait, cause I think that guy is going to be there, and this time I will not act like the drunken asshole I always am. Instead am going to put on the charm.

LP to me, DK, RS, AH, SC, MT, DT, DH

show details Jun 29

The worst part is I couldn't even whisper Look me in the eyes when you're fucking me because she's fucking cross eyed and you never know who she's giving the stank eye to in my own boyfriend's house!

me to LP, DK, RS, AH, SC, MT, DT, DH

show details Jun 29

susan, get that bone of the month in your own efren's house this weekend!!!

the devil wears crocs is really getting me. someone at work was wearing them the other day. in my own boyfriend's new york city, where rubber shoes with no socks cannnahhhht smell good when they come off.

LP to SC, MT, me, AH, DK, RS, DT, DH

show details Jun 29

That's a GOOD name for a party!

Earlier when I was driving Ain't no Fun came on the tape deck and that line "Guess who's back (in my boyfriend's house!) with a fat dick for your motherfucking mouth.

And then it hit me...

Our (own boyfriend's house!) in the middle of our street.

Burning down (my own boyfriend's house!)

There is a (boyfriend's house!) in New Orleans they call the rising sun

Clearly this needs an infomercial and some rolling text stat.

me to LP, MT, SC, DT, AH, DK, RS, DH

show details Jul 1

mystery solved--this is why the subway station was closed...crazybones!

http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=news/local/new_york&id=8221435

DK to DT, LP, MT, AH, SC, me, RS, DH

show details Jul 1

In her own boyfriend's token booth!

Sent by magic

MT, LP, DT, me, AH, SC, DK, RS, DH

show details Jul 2

Guess who's back in my motherfuckin boyfriend's house, with a fat dick for my motherfuckin boyfriend's house?

me to MT, LP, DH, SC, AH, DT, DK, RS

show details Jul 5

dang y'all! layover SCREAMS! That shit is crazy. Pixies in Bakersfield sounds right up my white trash ass alley. I might could do that too. North and south sector DFT midway point indian summer rendezvous?

 my boss just came to talk to me about the argument with my grumpy editor. he was rull diplomatic-like and I told him I ain't got none of those month money problems with him. It was innnnnteresting. But I'm glad we talked about it so it wasn't just like a white elephant in my own boyfriend's room.

me to DT, MT, LP, RS, AH, SC, DK, DH

show details Jul 11

dayyyum! if he wants to come surf the LA waters, he can stay in my extra room when i move into my newwwwwww apartment (but he can sleep in my own boyfriend's bed, which is my bed, when he's my own boyfriend)

MT to DH, SC, DK, me, LP, DT, RS, AH

show details Jul 12

Oh man. These are GOOD! First of all, DT. That is fucking ridiculous!

He obviously has nothing better going for him. Dicklicker! The food is

great, but there are two people here who have ratchmadari's revenge in

a bad way. Now we're trying to ditch these boring Germans who are

staying next door to us in our own boyfriend's hotel.  One thing

that's really bothering me is that the guys here are only here to bang

Thai chicks and they ain't even that fine. Susan, you would lose it.

Susan Cho to me

show details Jul 20

4:08 PM

Susan: hey sorry to bug you, but did you forward me your itnerary for vegas?

i'm just trying to figure out what time i shoudl leave tomorrow night

me: oh i SHOULD do that!

lemme do it rigggghhhht naw

Susan: oh you did. sorry buddy!

ok, i'm gonna leave at 8?

me: okay that sounds good

i'm scrrd of the flight!

i need to get some tylenol pm or something to knock me out

Susan: girrrl..you're gonna be dead on your cute ass feet if you do that screams. just drink a couple of cocktails and try and nap.

we got alll night lonnng bway bway

me: gha it's going to be hard to sleep tonight!

i'm so ready. and i wish i could just go straight home after

Susan: i KNOW!

but theyre coming to paint YOUR OWN NEW apartment next week

me: i'm excited!!!

even though i'm going to paint my own boyfriend's paint right over it

Susan: with your own boyfriends paint?!?!

me: or benjamin moore's own boyfriend's!

Susan: ooooh paint it a ginger gay

LP to MT, DT, SC, DH, AH, me, DK

show details Jul 28

I'm standing on a mountain of gazpacho thinking about gazpacho shooters and palomas in san juan capistrano. Gah my jaw hurts from grinding my teeth in my sleep when I was dreaming about a lion chasing me in my own boyfriend's house.

SC to AH, DK, MT, me, LP, DK, DH

show details Aug 2

Gah you guys.

Mama has been RULLL busy the past few weeks. Last week was a total crazybones cluster with work, and I haven't been sleeping very well, so by the time Friday (my own boyfriend's birthday!), I was so tired I was going crazy. Oh..PLUS Money was in town in our small ass apartment and it was all just too hectic and too damn soon.

So Friday my mom left, and my sister had said she wanted to go to that one bar, across the street from Red Lion Tavern. I was kinda blah about it, cause I just wanted to go either stay home and drink myself to sleep at 9, or kind of stay local, but I thought, why the hell not. I texted a couple of people, mainly jack and efren and efren was like, "Oh. I'm going to the Gin Blossoms tonight"...So weird. And I was just getting all these non committal texts from people, so I was like, "whatever man.."  We get over there and WHY were all those guys there: Jack, Efren, Bijal, Erin Haglund and Mick. All to surprise me on my birthday! I could not stop shaking

me to DT, MT, LP, AH, SC, DK, DH 

show details Aug 12

ooo sexy water polo SCREAMS!!!!

you guys, do not try and move into a dead guy's apartment and try to talk the cable company into letting you set up your own boyfriend's account. do nahhhht. they'll just tell you to go ahead and piggybutt off the dead guy until his account goes dormant!

You know what to do. 

My own boyfriend’s house!: 

An indignant expression of shock. Also, a location. 

You Little Ruca

If you're like me, a sunny Californian who appreciates Californian things like skateboarding culture and rasta-infused punk rock, you’d by lying if you tried to say you never had a crush on Bradley Nowell. There, I said it. Sublime brought so many things to my early adolescence, like the understanding of the lyrics to Caress Me Down (especially the non-Spanish parts) and the uber-concern my singing along to it brought my poor old parents as they shipped their baby daughter off to college in 1996. Or the line-in-Santeria-inspired ‘Heine’ stamp I fashioned out of a cut-up Heineken patch to cover the hole in the ass of my favorite American Way thrift store navy blue corduroy Levi’s, also in 1996. Most people thought the joke was for ‘hiney,’ but I knew in my heart that when Bradley came back to find a heina of his own, he’d know I was the one when he read my ass. I mean, he mentioned Victorville in a song. It was destiny. Stupid fucking heroin, you ruined my life!

Anyway, we all know that opening track on 40oz. to Freedom. Oh, that bass. Oh that voice! We were all waiting for our rucas back in 1992. BOM BOM! And luckily for me and the rest of the Diverse Friendship Tribe, that wait was not long, as we all found each other by the early 2000’s, after all our awkward adolescence had gone up in smoke and/or been buried under the warm comfort of alcohol jackets. 

It was a summery sublimey day when Mr. Dave Tossley busted out the first ‘you little ruca!’ in reference to something Dan Krooger had done. I can’t remember what or why, I can only remember the rest of us being amazed and delighted and enveloped with fits of laughter forever since as we flocked to the use of the new phrase like the salmon of Capistrano…

For more ease with your reading pleasure, I’ve included some of the links of the chain leading up to the use of ‘you little ruca,’ so you can fully grasp and understand the context and make it your very own. Of course Honoable Mention goes to the term’s creator, DT…way to keep the spirit alive, brah. BOM! BOM!

DK to RS, SC, me, DT, MT, AH, DH

show details 8/11/10

First of all, there is no way Mimi is actually doing the hike.  She just isn't.  She ain't got the gumption.  She's gonna sit somewhere comfortable at the bottom and miss you.

Second, are you really moving to the East Side?  That's where I met my Ramona.

Ooooh, I wanna go to a party.  A house party.

Rush, I want to go bike riding with you while you train.  I haven't done a decent long ride in a while, and I really miss it. 

- Show quoted text -

MT to DK, RS, SC, me, DT, AH, DH, LP 

show details 8/11/10

Dan.  You're cracking me up today.  You little ruca.

- Show quoted text -

DK to me, SC, DT, DH, AH, MT, LP 

show details 8/11/10

Obviously I laughed water out my nose when Sadies said, "you little ruca." TOO SOOON!

- Show quoted text -

MT to DT, DH, SC, me, RS, AH, DK, LP

show details 8/20/10

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/home.php?sk=lf.  I don't know how to do screenshots.

- Show quoted text -

DT  to MT, DH, SC, me, RS, AH, DK, LP

show details 8/20/10

Someone should teach that little ruca how to do a screenshot.
- Show quoted text -

DT to LP, MT, AH, DH, SC, DK, me, RS

show details 10/20/10

Umm, where is that little ruca Runcle?
- Show quoted text -

me to DT, LP, MT, AH, DH, SC, DK, RS

show details 10/20/10

i smile so hard whenever i think of dave saying 'little ruca'

- Show quoted text –

MT to me, DT, LP, AH, DH, SC, DK, RS

show details 10/20/10

My dick taste like Sambuca, yo dick, you little ruca.

Look what you've started, I can't stop now.
- Show quoted text -

DK to me, RS, LP, MT, AH, SC, DT

show details 11/2/10

OH MY GOD!  Dave, are you talking about when Brandon plummeted over the balcony at Dom’s old place in the Castro?  Mandy, were you there for that?  I totally forgot about that.  He fell ON a girl walking by.  But then, if I remember correctly, she came in to party.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
- Show quoted text -

DT to DK, me, RS, LP, MT, SC, AH

show details 11/2/10

No, the time when you needed to take a dump in your apartment and you saw that little ruca jump out the window cause he was playing in your empty apartment
- Show quoted text -

And listen, I'll just include the next email that happened on that chain, because, well, I mean...I don't even need to explain why.

LP to DT, DK, me, RS, MT, SC, AH

show details 11/2/10

Mark your calendars

- Show quoted text -

SC to me, LP, MT, DK, RS, DT, AH, DH

show details 11/11/10

from Dave:

I hope it turns out ok. I hope to see you soon u little side street ruca

- Show quoted text –

me to MT, DT, SC, LP, AH, DK, RS, DH

show details 12/25/10

Um you guys. I gave everyone these cute little soaps that are shaped like ribbon candy or peppermints, just cute little things to tie to their presents. Um. I just looked over at my sister kerry and caught her in the act of eating hers, because she thought it was actual candy. So now she's in the bathroom washing her mouth out. Washing the soap out of her mouth. How ironic.
- Show quoted text -

DT to me, SC, LP, MT, AH, DK, RS, DH

show details 12/25/10

What a little ruca.
- Show quoted text -

AH to SC, LP, DT, MT, me, DK, RS, DH

show details 12/28/10

That's weird my message didn't go through.

What a sensitive little ruca. Did you tell him where to blow it?

I think my mom has a picture of me in the dress on her phone. Will forward. It still has to be altered down to my size, FYI.

Did you guys ever figure out how to make an ice luge? I want it to be a giant, veiny cock.
- Show quoted text –

And there you have it. The classiest group of little rucas you ever did see. Now you get out there and start calling people little rucas! You know you want to!

You Little Ruca (n): 

A term of endearment…in a sense, to express either appreciation for or disapproval of someone’s doings. If there were an Extended Family Thesaurus, synonyms would include things like, ‘sneaky little devil,’ ‘you old so ‘n’ so,’ and ‘you _____-ing sonofabitch!’  

Try and use it in a sentence today!