Oh these end of August dog days of summer are making me feel all nostalgic. What, pray tell, was I doing this time last year? Whelp tickets, I was basking in the sun-baked glory of the OC Housewives, watching sad little grown-up-lady fights in track home backyards end pseudo-friendships for entire seasons of television. Oh, that was the good stuff right there.
Naturally, the drunk bickering of real Housewives has brought much new vocabulary into the world, whether it be an argument started over a round of SkinnyGirl margaritas or escalated into the ultimate insult—ya prostitution whore!!! My favorite from the OC women comes from the classiest of the classy, Tamra, and of course has become a favorite amongst everyone in the DFT.
Listen. Being a reality television producer is hard. You have to, like, watch tv allll day. And you have to make people say things they didn’t really say, but make it look like they did say it, like they really did! Housewives are amongst the most difficult nuts to crack when it comes to this task, because while they’re usually pretty sober for their interviews, that doesn’t make them coherent or sensible. And the big guys at Bravo like these ladies to say things. Real things. Things that express a point-of-view. So what was I to do when Gretchen and Tamra got into a nasty argument during Tamra’s Royal Plush Clothing shopping party and the execs got all confused because Gretchen put on a hat, delightfully embossed with rhinestones to form the shape of the evil eye, and said it would protect her from Tamra, and subsequently Tamra asked Gretchen if she was calling her an ‘evil bitch’? I mean, that makes no sense! It’s not like Tamra was looking for a fight. It’s not like these ladies stir up drama like it’s their job. Tamra had no business asking if Gretchen meant she was an evil bitch by saying the evil eye hat would protect her. No simple-minded American audience member was ever going to understand it. So for weeks and weeks, we scoured the footage, trying to find the missing link. And finally, another brilliant producer picks up the slightest audio of Gretchen murmuring that Tamra’s been a bitch to her for years. Well this presents a whole new problem. Tamra didn’t hear that muttering…or did she? Yes, she did, she did! That’s why she asked if Gretchen’s calling her an evil bitch!!!! Now we just have to tell the audience to believe that. Well, because of course Tamra didn’t hear this and was just trying to stir up drama like it’s her job, we had nothing in Tamra’s interview about Gretchen calling her a bitch. It was to be my greatest challenge ever: solving the Gretchen-calling-Tamra-a-bitch problem.
And I did it, I really did it! I had an epiphany one day sitting in the editing bay, thinking about how many people Tamra thinks are bitches and that there must be something we could use from that, when I remembered that 6 episodes later, Tamra gets into a nasty text-message fight with another housewife, who was defending Gretchen’s behavior at Tamra’s party and in the scene where Tamra tells her housewife ally about it, she reads aloud one of the text messages: ‘I was pretty nice to her as she stood there and called me a bitch! In my own boyfriend’s house!’ Even though it wasn’t in a formal interview, we slapped that puppy under a shot of Tamra looking pissed at her party, and BOOM. Problem solved. It was the greatest audio cheat of my career to date.
To my delight, the day after the episode aired, Richard Lawson, genius recapper of all things Housewives, gave unexpected credit where it was due:
Real Housewives of Orange County: In My Own Boyfriend’s House
Last night the "original Housewives" returned for a one millionth season, though only one of the original monsters is left. The rest are the squealing wraiths we've collected along the way, blonde harridans who like nothing more than to fight with each other and blame it on the alcohol. So, nothing's changed.
The point is that Gretchen got drunk in the limo and started a bad precedent of being "funny," which in Drunk Gretchen Land is just insulting people and then laughing. Making fun of the way Juggs says "Ayy-Mex" and "BeCAWZ" is fine. But making fun of Tamra "in my own boyfriend's house," as she said? Not OK. In her own boyfriend's house! How dare you make fun of me in my own uncle's root cellar? Such insults, in my own cousin's sidecar motorcycle?? I mean, there are certain places where one does not make fun of someone else. Their own boyfriend's house is one. Their own dentist's mud room is another.
But yeah, Gretchen showed up and things were immediately tense with Tamra. The Plush Life lady was showing them the darling Evil Eye caps and Gretchen put one on and was like "Ohh I should wear it near you, Tamra!!" (in her own boyfriend's house!) and it was not good. It basically ruined the evening.
At this point both of these decrepit fifth graders were both wearing the stupid caps and it was just so sad and so dumb, these supposed adults gurgling at each other about how one girl made a mean hat joke and that's not nice to do at the other girl's own grampa's toolshed. It's just not very nice at all.
And from there, the term has snowballed, as they always do…
MT to LP, me, DK, RS, AH, SC, DT, DH
show details Jun 29
Oh Erin, last night Liz and I could not stop talking about all of the different things that were happening in our OWN boyfriend's house!
SC to me, DK, RS, AH, LP, MT, DT, DH
show details Jun 29
Oh god. My own boyfriend's house is rull good right now.
Efren is doing a bway bway qway at his house Saturday. I can't wait, cause I think that guy is going to be there, and this time I will not act like the drunken asshole I always am. Instead am going to put on the charm.
LP to me, DK, RS, AH, SC, MT, DT, DH
show details Jun 29
The worst part is I couldn't even whisper Look me in the eyes when you're fucking me because she's fucking cross eyed and you never know who she's giving the stank eye to in my own boyfriend's house!
me to LP, DK, RS, AH, SC, MT, DT, DH
show details Jun 29
susan, get that bone of the month in your own efren's house this weekend!!!
the devil wears crocs is really getting me. someone at work was wearing them the other day. in my own boyfriend's new york city, where rubber shoes with no socks cannnahhhht smell good when they come off.
LP to SC, MT, me, AH, DK, RS, DT, DH
show details Jun 29
That's a GOOD name for a party!
Earlier when I was driving Ain't no Fun came on the tape deck and that line "Guess who's back (in my boyfriend's house!) with a fat dick for your motherfucking mouth.
And then it hit me...
Our (own boyfriend's house!) in the middle of our street.
Burning down (my own boyfriend's house!)
There is a (boyfriend's house!) in New Orleans they call the rising sun
Clearly this needs an infomercial and some rolling text stat.
me to LP, MT, SC, DT, AH, DK, RS, DH
show details Jul 1
mystery solved--this is why the subway station was closed...crazybones!
DK to DT, LP, MT, AH, SC, me, RS, DH
show details Jul 1
In her own boyfriend's token booth!
Sent by magic
MT, LP, DT, me, AH, SC, DK, RS, DH
show details Jul 2
Guess who's back in my motherfuckin boyfriend's house, with a fat dick for my motherfuckin boyfriend's house?
me to MT, LP, DH, SC, AH, DT, DK, RS
show details Jul 5
dang y'all! layover SCREAMS! That shit is crazy. Pixies in Bakersfield sounds right up my white trash ass alley. I might could do that too. North and south sector DFT midway point indian summer rendezvous?
my boss just came to talk to me about the argument with my grumpy editor. he was rull diplomatic-like and I told him I ain't got none of those month money problems with him. It was innnnnteresting. But I'm glad we talked about it so it wasn't just like a white elephant in my own boyfriend's room.
me to DT, MT, LP, RS, AH, SC, DK, DH
show details Jul 11
dayyyum! if he wants to come surf the LA waters, he can stay in my extra room when i move into my newwwwwww apartment (but he can sleep in my own boyfriend's bed, which is my bed, when he's my own boyfriend)
MT to DH, SC, DK, me, LP, DT, RS, AH
show details Jul 12
Oh man. These are GOOD! First of all, DT. That is fucking ridiculous!
He obviously has nothing better going for him. Dicklicker! The food is
great, but there are two people here who have ratchmadari's revenge in
a bad way. Now we're trying to ditch these boring Germans who are
staying next door to us in our own boyfriend's hotel. One thing
that's really bothering me is that the guys here are only here to bang
Thai chicks and they ain't even that fine. Susan, you would lose it.
Susan Cho to me
show details Jul 20
4:08 PM
Susan: hey sorry to bug you, but did you forward me your itnerary for vegas?
i'm just trying to figure out what time i shoudl leave tomorrow night
me: oh i SHOULD do that!
lemme do it rigggghhhht naw
Susan: oh you did. sorry buddy!
ok, i'm gonna leave at 8?
me: okay that sounds good
i'm scrrd of the flight!
i need to get some tylenol pm or something to knock me out
Susan: girrrl..you're gonna be dead on your cute ass feet if you do that screams. just drink a couple of cocktails and try and nap.
we got alll night lonnng bway bway
me: gha it's going to be hard to sleep tonight!
i'm so ready. and i wish i could just go straight home after
Susan: i KNOW!
but theyre coming to paint YOUR OWN NEW apartment next week
me: i'm excited!!!
even though i'm going to paint my own boyfriend's paint right over it
Susan: with your own boyfriends paint?!?!
me: or benjamin moore's own boyfriend's!
Susan: ooooh paint it a ginger gay
LP to MT, DT, SC, DH, AH, me, DK
show details Jul 28
I'm standing on a mountain of gazpacho thinking about gazpacho shooters and palomas in san juan capistrano. Gah my jaw hurts from grinding my teeth in my sleep when I was dreaming about a lion chasing me in my own boyfriend's house.
SC to AH, DK, MT, me, LP, DK, DH
show details Aug 2
Gah you guys.
Mama has been RULLL busy the past few weeks. Last week was a total crazybones cluster with work, and I haven't been sleeping very well, so by the time Friday (my own boyfriend's birthday!), I was so tired I was going crazy. Oh..PLUS Money was in town in our small ass apartment and it was all just too hectic and too damn soon.
So Friday my mom left, and my sister had said she wanted to go to that one bar, across the street from Red Lion Tavern. I was kinda blah about it, cause I just wanted to go either stay home and drink myself to sleep at 9, or kind of stay local, but I thought, why the hell not. I texted a couple of people, mainly jack and efren and efren was like, "Oh. I'm going to the Gin Blossoms tonight"...So weird. And I was just getting all these non committal texts from people, so I was like, "whatever man.." We get over there and WHY were all those guys there: Jack, Efren, Bijal, Erin Haglund and Mick. All to surprise me on my birthday! I could not stop shaking
me to DT, MT, LP, AH, SC, DK, DH
show details Aug 12
ooo sexy water polo SCREAMS!!!!
you guys, do not try and move into a dead guy's apartment and try to talk the cable company into letting you set up your own boyfriend's account. do nahhhht. they'll just tell you to go ahead and piggybutt off the dead guy until his account goes dormant!
My own boyfriend’s house!:
An indignant expression of shock. Also, a location. 
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