Put a condom on your finger and be a BITCH about it.

Some days, you just don’t want to do it. You just don’t. Whether it be waking up, going to work, working out, saving the planet, some days, it’s just TOO SOON.  But you know you have to. Sometimes, you have to do it not for you, but as a sacrifice for someone else’s well-being. Like when your boyfriend wants you to do…that. You know what I’m talking about. We don’t have to talk about it, do we? You know…how sometimes he wants to have you touch that place that’s the opposite of his mouth? How sometimes he wants a whole finger up there? And all you can think about is what he’s eaten that day. How he hasn’t showered since last night and there’s no way things are clean around there, what with that bean-and-cheese burrito smell that was coming from the bathroom earlier. But…he really likes it. So…you know you have to do it. But you’re not happy about it, and can’t pretend you are. This is where the DFT comes in to give you that mantra to get you through, because when the going gets tough, the tough get rough. It’s something we all say to each other in times where motivation is lacking. And it works. So the next time you’re faced with something you’d really rather not do, but know you have to, just tell yourself to put a condom on your finger and be a bitch about it. We all do…


LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jan 2
Happy New Year DFT. I just want to put my arms around each and every one of you and fuck. You guys are not the kinds of boys who make me want to put a condom on my finger and act like a bitch about it. Erin and her friends did a good ass job of planning a fun ass party but some people's stories are their own to tell if you know what I mean.


SF sluts and hos we should do a dinner sometime soon. Anybody feel like murdering some crabs at my house this week? 
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LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jan 3
Happy first monday in 2011. I hope all the dft had fun ass chinese chicken noodle new years. 
LA was too soon so I had to put a condom on my finger and act like a bitch about it. 
It took us 11 hours to get home but that bullhorn helped a lot in the 101 parking lot.
How are you doing today Russ?
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DK to LP, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jan 3
Don't let that bitch get away. You better get her license plate number.

Wait, what's this thing about wearing a condom on a finger like a bitch?  I don't understand.  Please explain.
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LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jan 4


I didn't text him for free tickets this time because I accidentally acted like a bitch with a condom on her finger and gave him the silent treatment the one time I've actually seen him since he boned me. So anyway, I kind of felt like I burned that bridge. 
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MT to LP, DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, AH


show details Jan 28
Syaaaack.  You should have put a condom on your finger and been a BITCH about it.
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LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Feb 28
It was fun as hell. I'm in pain right now, barely slept and the oscars were lame. What was with Franco's dead guy routine and Hathaway's pageant smile. There is such a thing as bad publicity, silly A listers.


I'm watching MTV for the first time in a long time. Why did one of those jersey juiceheads say "Put a condom on your head I'm about to mind fuck you." Lollipop! 
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SC to LP, DK, me, DH, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Mar 9
My weekly promise is to not laugh when I see retarded people.
(this is FUN!)


My weekly promise is to not set fire to homeless camps. 


me to LP to DK, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Mar 9
stupid! 


my weekly promise is to put a condom on my finger and be a BITCH about it.
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MT to LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, AH
show details Mar 17
I'm mean...I'm ret to log into Facebook and put a comment condom on my finger and be a BITCH about it.


That shit is ruuuuuude and wrongk. My phone autocorrected to "roughhouse."


Sent from the iPhone of a pimp
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AH to LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT,
show details Jun 2
What a doofus! Oh my god Erin. Glad the saga is mostly resolved now! It must be unzip our faces week because it is goin round. I've put a condom on my finger everyday and been a BITCH about it.
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me to LP to DK, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jun 3
you guys, all day long there's been this weird rubber thimble thing on the counter in the bathroom and every time I see it I can't help thinking to myself that someone must've had to put a condom on their finger and been a bitch about it. 
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AH to LP to DK, me, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT
show details Jun 3
Um Erin, I think that is one of those new fangled tampon things. Syack! 


Friday friday! 


I'm sorry Liz. Have a little white wine and put a condom on your finger!
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LP to me
show details Jun 23
6:20 PM 
L: yesterday I was at the orbit room and the bartender had a condom on his finger!!
and he was a bitch about it
but seriously
finger condoms are real
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me to LP to DK, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jun 24
oh uhhh YEAH he's gonna pay for that. And YEAH get thee to LA...just, you know, put a condom on your finger and go to the Thirsty Crow and get BENT. I'm sure I can arrange a rebound bang for you. 
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DH to me, LP, DK, SC, DT, RS, MT, AH
show details Jul 6
Mang guys, I got RULL riled up by that. Even though, Erin, your comments made me laugh.


So I just got up on my pedastal, put a condom on my finger, and was a BITCH about it.  Why can't I resist?  Do not engage!
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me to LP to DK, DH, SC, DT, RS, MT, AD
show details Sep 9
you guys...I think this is a new show I need to pitch. What is happening? The 25 year-old from last Labrah Day is coming here at the end of the month and asked for my number, so I texted it to him and now he's blowing up my phone today ALREADY. TOO SOON. I mean, it's a family friend, so I don't want to put a condom on my finger and be a bitch about it, butttttt WEOW! 

So that's that. Get to it. 


Put a condom on your finger and be a BITCH about it: 
A way to tell someone to go ahead and do that thing they don't want to do but know they have to. Also, a way to practice safe sex.