Jean Pants

You didn’t think I’d let all of April go by without a little advice on how to live your vest life ever, did you? Whelp tickets, if you did, you’re stuuuuuupid. The word of the day is: jean pants. Go ahead, try it out, feel it. IN YOUR MOUTH.

Jean pants came about one night when I was hanging out with good ol’ Erin Haglund, checking out her new pad in Los Feliz and trying to win the affections of her moody black cat, Fritz (not to be confused with Lyle Dohl, who shares the name, albeit in nick form). Erin was telling me all about how Fritz has a little piece of carpet he just loves to sit on, though it’s quite miniscule in comparison to his size, because he’s a huge ass cat.

This is Fritz:

This is Fritz trying to fit himself on his square of magic carpet:

As you can see, I’m not exaggerating. This guy is huge. Now, a lot of his massiveness is due to furriness, and big ass furry ass cats can really be high-maintenance. Especially in the area below the starfish…you know…where the poop comes out. And since most cats believe their human owners to serve as personal assistants, Erin has spent a lot of time helping Fritz out with keeping things sanitary in that area—those furry backs of the legs that Erin referred to as Fritz’s…you guessed it…JEAN PANTS! She’s even had to resort to trimming the jean pants with scissors and thus giving Fritz an easy breezy Capri jean pants look to sport for these upcoming summer months.

I’ve spared Fritz the embarrassment of sharing a photo of said knotty, gummed up jean pants and will provide the following as examples so you can see what I’m talking about:

Now, this probably makes no sense. Those brownish-black haunches don’t resemble denim in any way and the style is much more of an MC Hammer-type pant than the jean variety. Well, this is where my bad hearing comes into play. A normal person would’ve probably heard correctly been able to make the connection between ‘magic carpet’ and the type of pant Erin was referring to. But not this moi. No, it wasn’t until I had fully embraced the term jean pants, started using it liberally and involved the DFT in usage, that I finally one night asked Erin where she got ‘jean pants’ from anyway. Below, you’ll find that answer, as well as the various ways jean pants has become incorporated into our vernacular. It may be wrong, but it feels so right. And the honorable mention this time goes to, well, me, for being a deaf ass dumbass. 

Susan Cho to Amanda, me, Mercedes

show details 5/28/10

Yay. Amanda, you shoulda just stayed home.

Nordstrom was ok. I went to exchange my shoes, but they didn't have my size, so they had to DTC them to me. BUT, the good news is, they're on sale now, so I got like..30 bucks back! NICE. I shoulda ordered another pair. I went to H & M and got this sheer striped longish tank top for $5. Guh. I just want to wear it in the heat. Preferably NY. It'd be real cute with some jean shorts, or jean pants.

Ha.Mark said I could stay with him, I just got kinda excited when I was typing.

Ugh. You guys. Now I'm just pricing out flights to NY for the summer, and they're all like $500! Since when does everyone want to go to NY in August? Since when!

-       Show quoted text –

Reply

Erin Haglund to me

show details Feb 23

2:50 PM

me: you guys, mercedes is in love with fritz

5 minutes

2:55 PM

Erin: i just texted you a pic of him

 i think he misses all the excitemtent

2:56 PM

excitement

2:58 PM

me: i mean, he definitely gave me something to remember him by

oh my GOD

Erin: oooh noooo! i'm sorry, but he isn't

me: he is having a rough day obviously

Erin: he's remorseless jerk

me: haha

i think he was just pissed we were giving him so much shit about his jean pants

Erin: hahaha

he's proud of his jean pants

me: cats just must know all the shit we talk about them and get so irritated that they can't talk back so they just unleash violence

Erin: yeah

but he could NOT stay away!

me: hahah i know! he loved it

Erin: if he didn't like it he could have stayed in the bedroom instead of being an asshole

me: i mean, he's RULL protective of his magic carpet

Buzz from erin shea

Apr 15

 - Google chat status - 

erin shea wants to jean jam in her jean pants

erin shea to Susan, Liz, Mercedes, Susan, Russ, Amanda, Debra, Danny, David

show details Apr 15

chareth cutestory!

gha you guys. last night at around 5 i decided yoga was out and drinking was in and to my delight, EH was right on that bandwagon. So we went to Danny's good ass restaurant and had a fancy ass meal complete with black bottom jean pants fluffernutter pie with the furrrrrr. That place is TOO SOON it's so good. Then when Danny finished his shift we went to East of 8th, which Susan I guess you guys went there too. They have a late-night happy hour so we had some beers and then split. But some people did nahhhht appreciate getting woken up at dawn by Elliot JERK and snoozed all the way until the time I usually leave for work. Erin just showed up and I got here about 15 minutes ago. Luckily, our office is so tucked away that no one notices us come and go so it is a-ok.

I'm tired and hungeeeeee.  TGIEFFFFFFFF. I've been in NY a whole week!!!

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erin shea to David, susancho78, Mercedes, Liz, Amanda, Danny, Russ, Debra

show details Apr 15

WAIT.

you guys, last night Erin and I were talking about Fritz and his jean pants and it turns out I heard wrong (me?) and she was saying that Fritz has GENIE pants. You know, because he has a magic carpet. And his leg fur DOES look much more like genie pants than jean pants. But she was like, 'well, jean pants caught on, so I just never clarified.' STUPID. Also:

http://thehairpin.com/2011/04/what-to-get-the-man-in-your-life-for-easter

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Liz Pfeffer to Mercedes, me, Russ, susancho78, David, Debra, Amanda, Danny

show details Apr 15

That makes me feel so much more sane (sanity is a cozy lie whispers) because the jean pants thing was NAAHT registering when you guys were trying to tell me.

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Susan Cho to Mercedes, Russ, me, Amanda, Debra, Liz, David, Danny

show details Apr 15

God dammit. Jean pants is like the creeper for today.

Every time I think I'm over it being funny, I think about it, and it

makes me laugh out loud.

Guh. I have to go get a damn oil change on my lunch.

I hope its like me: fast and cheap.

Susan Cho to Mercedes, Russ, me, Amanda, Debra, Liz, David, Danny

show details Apr 15

GUh. And all those y's in her "hey" are really bugging me. They're

getting my jean pants all twisted into knots.

erin shea to Danny

show details Apr 28

well i'na care. i will nahhhhht be looking to meet the next JB tonight, considering my jean pants are still wet from being outside long enough to cross ONE street back to the office from the deli where I picked up lunch and although I'll shower after yoga, it won't be pretty. But yeah, it's just plain Brindisi for me to get to 14th from my yoga studio, so legs go! We can always switch it up if it's TOO gay. Or Erin and I can just pretend we're a couple. A couple of Erin's!

- Show quoted text -

So, that's that. And in case you didn't click on that link in whichever email that was above, feast your eyes. Jean pants are a real thing, my friends. And they're not just for never-nudes. 

And if you're looking for more jean pants fun, this is funny: 
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/04/super_terrific_japanese_thing_jeanpants.php

So get out there and start talkin' about your jean pants!


Jean Pants: 
The pants-like fur covering the hind haunches of furry ass cats. Also a term for regular old pants, panties, undies, grundies or whatever you wanna put on them new-boot-goofin' legs.