The EFD Bonus: February 2011

Just the tip...titles and excerpts of this month's daily chain emails. We're a strange ass breed, but wouldn't have it any other way.

DANG haters..                                                                        

Susan Cho to Amanda, Danny, Mercedes, me, Liz, David, Debra, Russ

show details Feb 1

I'm just sitting over here, listening to Baby Birch, and trying not to be sad about some abortion I never had, and none of y'all are writing any emails.

is that cyclist getting peed on by a bird?                                                                        

Russ Sharkey to Amanda, Danny, Mercedes, me, David, Liz, Susan, Debra

show details Feb 2

I mean, what is going on here?  http://eroticfalconry.com/

oh my god oh my god you guyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys                                                                 erin shea to Russ, Susan, Mercedes, Danny, David, Amanda, Liz, debra

show details Feb 3

you guys.

i cannahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht go to bed. i'm in deep protest mode. i went to el compadre with my old OC editor and Mick and we had a good ass time and now there's a 3-day-old donut in my lap. 

um. happy thursday buddies day! oh shit. work in 6 houses? hours? yes. i would suggest leaving the restraint within the next three hours.

Women are crazy, Men are stupid                                                                        

Susan Cho to Amanda, Danny, me, Mercedes, David, Debra, Liz, Russ

show details Feb 4

Seriously you guys.

ABC was going to pilot a show with that title. Thankfully that shit got shelved. Stupid name, formulaic dumbshit comedy screams.

Like making sangria in the toilet                                                                        

Mercedes Taylor to Amanda, Danny, David, Debra, me, Liz, Russ, Susan

show details Feb 7

Hi guys.

Peace out

Topless Tuesdays                                                                        

Susan Cho to Amanda, me, Mercedes, Danny, David, Debra, Liz, Russ

show details Feb 8

Send me your topless tuesday work pics....

Laces OUT. Laces OUT.                                                                        

Susan Cho to Amanda, Danny, Mercedes, me, David, Debra, Liz, Russ

show details Feb 9

You guys. New chain screams.

I'm so hungry my stomach is growling so loud, it sounds like the noise Lisa Simpson's stomach makes in that one episode where she gets i.b.s, and Homer takes her to the sensory deprivation tank.

I got your crazybones                                                                        

Susan Cho to Amanda, Danny, Mercedes, me, David, Debra, Russ, Liz

show details Feb 10

You guys. The casting director for that show emailed my sister and said they wanted to meet her and Bella asap.

I mean, I'll be really sad if she ends up some crazy sound bite on Talk Soup. But I guess she really wants on this show, cause when the casting director asked for pictures of her and Bell, she sent like..10 pictures. 3 of them were from Bells' 3 last birthday parties. And the comic strips she's made of Bella. Yeah. She's crazybones.

sucks, or canadian? Is there a difference?                                                                        

erin shea to Danny, David, Mercedes, Susan, Liz, Amanda, debra, Russ

show details Feb 11

hey isn't it funny that 30 Rock was all about how Jack and Avery didn't want to have the baby born in Canada? After all our Canada-bashing yesterday? We're SO in SYNC!

heavy load                                                                        

Susan Cho to Amanda, Danny, Mercedes, me, David, Debra, Liz, Russ

show details Feb 14

Happy valentimes my lovelies.

I miss you all.

Debra, how was PDX? Did Carlos like it?

I will literally be up there like once a month if you guys move.

Wait, so Erin. What happened the other night? That guy responded to your text and came over for some bone, bone bone boning?

You guys, that  guy that Erin had offended weeks before was at the Thirsty Crow the other night, and he was like...really aggressive about giving Erin his phone number. Like, he asked her for it, then, went away and came back with his business card. It was realll cute.

Can't wait for this weekend screams.

Tuesdays can SUCK it                                                                        

Debra Hamilton to Mercedes, Amanda, David, Danny, Russ, me, Liz

show details Feb 15

I started back to work today.  That's all I have to say.

Wednesday's can SUCK it TOO                                                                        

Russ Sharkey to David, Danny, Amanda, Susan, me, Debra, Liz, Mercedes

show details Feb 16

Happy Scary Buddies Day!                                                                        

erin shea to Danny, debra, David, Amanda, Liz, Mercedes, Susan, Russ

show details Feb 17

You guys, I cannnahhhht stop laughing at something. First of all, I've had a LOT of mystery beers.

Secondofly, someone texted me this, about whether I want to come over or not:

'Or you can say no scary pants'

I mean. So obviously, the naturaly (hmm. or 'natural,' if you're a sober typer) response was, 'What are scary pants?'

You guys.

The salad that said, "Weow!"                                                                        

David Tousley to me, Susan, Danny, Debra, Mercedes, Liz, Russ

show details Feb 23

I made that salad again and this time its in the train with me!! Susan, I owe you a tenner.

Rock it                                                                        

Russ Sharkey to Amanda, Susan, me, David, Debra, Danny, Liz, Mercedes

show details Feb 24

What issss it?                                                                        

Susan Cho to Amanda, Danny, Mercedes, me, David, Debra, Liz, Russ

show details Feb 25

Russ, what was that vidja? It just said, "Removed due to copyright infringement from Disney"

Was it a clip from Mulan?

cock for free!                                                                        

erin shea to Amanda, Mercedes, Danny, debra, Russ, Liz, Susan, David

show details Feb 28

ugh you guys. what WAS that oscars bull shit? I thought they would have at LEAST given my boyfriend who looked sexy even in that red dress his trophy for putting up with Anne Hathaway's WOO'ing every fucking person who walked on the stage. The Charlie Sheen joke was funny as hell though. And Robert Downey Jr. was really funny too. But boring that King's Speech won. So much for appealing to the younger demographic. I also liked Christian Bale calling himself out on his rant. He's fine.

Gha. Where is my mind?

You're broke and ya can't DRESS.

I know, so you’re probably going, ‘is this like, a Noxema commercial or WHAT?’ But seriously, I’m just gonna say it: Clueless is one of the most important movies of our generation. Not only did it bring Amy Heckerling back from the shadows of her Look Who’s Talking success and subsequent Look Who’s Talking 3 embarassment and gave her a time to shine before she slipped back into the darkness of making films like I Could Never Be Your Woman (hooray for her for managing to get Paul Rudd to get behind that though), no, it did much more. It’s got a bangin’ hot soundtrack, inspired quite a high school fashion trend for this young moi and of course, has found its way into the loving arms of the DFT.

Y'see, there was a night when Mercedes and Susan were hanging out with their young gentleman friend whom we'll call Dave (also his actual name) and the movie came up, as it is wont to do. Not being lucky enough to have witnessed this I’ll do my best to tell the story correctly but from what I gather, as it became that part of the night where everyone starts quoting Clueless, wanting to be a part of the excitement, Dave burst in amidst the ‘as IF’s’ and ‘No. Not to your face’s’ with an exuberant statement: 

 ‘that’s because you’re broke and ya can’t DRESS.' 

And the room fell silent. Though his Brittany Murphy Tai Fraiser accent was uncanny, this was not a line from the movie. Nor from any movie that anyone could think of.  Finally Mercedes broke the uncomfortable silence by asking in a kind and gentle manner if maybe this was the quote he'd been  aiming for:

Obviously, the answer was yes.

And there it was.

And here it is.

                                                                    

erin shea to Susan, Mercedes, Amanda, Danny

show details 6/11/10
Subject: my dick, chicks want to caress. yo dick: broke and can't dress.   
  

you GUYS.

I cannot believe I'm going to meet Tommy Johnny Dan Tan Tom tonight in the veiny snaky flesh. I have my red dress all ready to go. I just wish I had a football.

Maybe Tommy will want to give me a job. Maybe he'll want me to produce The Room 2: The Bathroom.

my dick killed the wicked witch

yo dick: in a few minutes, bitch.

Susan Cho to me, Mercedes, Amanda, Danny

show details 6/11/10

First of all. FUCK that shit Erin. Fuck those fuckers and their sunglasses. 

I'm glad you'll be back here soon, where we can treat you right. I was just telling Mimi I totes mcgotes missed you, because, basically you guys, last year I saw you at least once a month. This is the longest I've gone without seeing Erin in a while. 

Come back to the best coast and I'll hook you up with some of Ryan's cute ass friends. We can double date!

Guh. I totally emailed this guy I know in LA about the Warner Chappell job, and now I'm regretting it, cause he's like, asking me all these questions. Which is dumb because he works for a broke and can't dress record company and only does sales. I was like, "do you even know anyone in legal? Don't pretend you can move me along in my candidacy if you can't. "

Danny. I've totes woken up late night/early morning and wondered why it smelled so funky and realized it was me. Whoops! Sorry buddy! Also Danny, FUCK those kids.

I also totally just gave up on those cigarettes Mark gave me. Erin. For Grease, Mark bought 4 packs of filterless Lucky Strikes, and emptied them for the kids as props, and so when we were in Morro Bay, handed me like a garbage back of cigarettes. I definitely need some sort of filter. Or I guess...I should quit smoking..

As for the party (party hearty), I'm going to go way later. Some people want to go home and eat a little and walk some dogs. I was planning on meeting you guys at Kelsey's house. Around 9?

Ugh. I'm beginning to peel and its making me CRAZZZZZZZZY

Susan Cho to Amanda, Danny, Mercedes, me

show details 6/15/10

Ugh. you guys. I'm in trouble. All I can do is sit around on my computer looking at websites and not working!

I'm not even pretending to work anymore!!

Guh. I think I'm looking at leaving here the week after the 4th. I got a bridal shower thing that Saturday, and then was planning on doing my going away thing Sunday night. Karaoke at the 500 me thinks. DANG, both Amanda and Mercedes will be out of town, so Danny, it looks like we're going to have to rep hardcore for the missing members of the gang.

So, Amanda, you're going to surprise Jaclyn in the OC? So fun. So effing fun. When I went to LA to surprise Bijal for her housewarming it felt so good just showing up and having her be totally surprised. So fun and right.

Danny, what are you up to this weekend? Do you want to go to Emily's party on Friday night? I need to be rulll cheap for the rest of the month, so I could get behind it, but am going to have to carry my pbr's around with me, since I can't spare any.

I also want to go back to the fever hundo, but seriously..broke and can't dress.

UGH...Is it 6 yet????

--

"Oh. They have the internet on computers now."

erin shea to Russ, Debra, Susan, Amanda, Danny, David

show details 7/8/10

oh. and ashley moved back in. you know, because she's broke and can't dress.

but. BUT. the housewarming party. yeah, that's worth watching. two kim's, one cup! definitely worth it.

susancho78@gmail.com to Mercedes, Danny, me, Amanda

show details 7/16/10

Guh. I thought today would be cooler then yesterday, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. I'm broke, sweaty and can't dress.

We're going to see Inception tonight. I can't wait!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Amanda Huffman to Mercedes, Danny, susancho78, Debra, Liz, me

show details 9/15/10

John says he's broke and can't do it. I offered to cover him, maybe he'll change his mind. For now just include me and I'll change the reservation if he decides to go.

- Show quoted text -

Reply

erin shea to Amanda, Mercedes, Danny, susancho78, Debra, Liz

show details 9/15/10

JOHN! Tell him he can borrow an outfit from me if he can't dress. He needs to get there and get BENT!

- Show quoted text -

Buzz from erin shea

Comment10/26/10

erin shea - Google chat status - Private to chat contacts

is broke and can't dress

erin shea to Amanda, susancho78, Russ, Liz, Debra, Mercedes, Danny, David

show details 11/30/10

I mean...maybe if she's going around telling work people shit like that, he is warranted in not wanting to stick around. But who am I to stick up for douchejag guys? He's a dick and can go back to pale ass Sweden and not get laid by a hot ass California girl anymore. Dick.

David!!!!! Trust me, I feel your pain. Your hand is not broke though. It just can't dress. Also, I got rull scared at first because I thought it was going to say that you got jumped, so I'm glad that isn't the case.

Liz, how's yer mama?

Mercedes Taylor to Susan, Russ, Amanda, me, Debra, Danny, David, Liz

show details 12/9/10

Russ lived my nightmare.  Amanda, running a train is getting gangbanged, one guy after the other.  SYACK.  Debra, the caboose is yours.  David, where the fuck you at?  You've lived here for TOO LONG to not have made an appearance.

Erin, just quit in time for the holidays so we can have two weeks off together.  Liz, that fucking sucks.  I'm also broke and can't dress for a while, so we can be miserable and skateboardy together.

Zoe, Danny- I miss you guys.

Susan- hi!

Danny Krueger to Susan, Liz, Russ, me, Amanda, Mercedes, Debra, David

show details 12/16/10

Oh yeah, and Russ, to answer your question, I don't predict any January visits for the Dan-ster.  I am fucking broke and can't dress.  I don't see myself being able to afford a trip home until, like, a wealthy relative dies.  And I only have one of those and she doesn't even like me, so I'm not holding my breath.

susancho78@gmail.com to Debra, Danny, Liz, Mercedes, David, Amanda, me, Russ

show details 12/23/10

Piggytail La Huff. I had a dream we were all on vacation and we made you try on your wedding dress.

Piggytail Russ, you just need to get it out a little, so you betta come to la for nye.

Piggytail Debra, I know the space is small, but your husband and kid are pretty cute and love the shit out of you. I can believe z's gonna be such an international traveller! Take lots of pictures!!

Piggytail errbody else. My alarm just went off, but since my broke and can't dress ass aint goin' to work today, I can go back to bread.

Huzzah! Christmas eve eve.

Hurry up 2011, I need a new start.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Mercedes Taylor to Danny, Susan, Liz, Amanda, me, David, Russ, Debra

show details Jan 3

Danny, I just want to put my arms around you and FUCK.  Sorry about the unemployed times but yeah, just remember that you are in New York ass City and you should be walking around owning the shit out of that town even if you are broke and can't dress.

Mercedes Taylor to Danny, Amanda, me, Susan, talkingtoliz, Russ, David, Debra

show details Jan 4

I haunt your dreams kid....you guys, I hope i get that money so I can actually not have to be broke and can't DRESS anymore!!!!!

erin shea to Susan, David, Mercedes, Liz, Amanda, Danny, Russ, Debra

show details Jan 11

oooo I need to netflix that shit. I really want to get into that show. Lyle loves it.

I'm watching Scott Pilgrim and still trying to decide about yoga. I'm tired as hell but I should probably just go ahead and go work it OUT since I'm off and can't dress and bread makes you fat.

Susan, maybe we should do Thursday funday and go to one of the fancy dinners I have a groupon for! Whatchoo think?

Mercedes Taylor to susancho78, Liz, Russ, Danny, Amanda, me, David, Debra

show details Jan 11

Um.  I want that iPad.  Mama's computer is broke and can't dress right now.

Danny Krueger to Mercedes, Susan, Liz, Russ, Amanda, me, David, Debra

show details Jan 11

Susan, if you find out how to buy raffle tickets, let me know.  My computer is broke and can't dress too.  For real.

susancho78@gmail.com to me, Amanda, Russ, Mercedes, David, Liz, Danny, Debra

show details Jan 19

Serious. Fuck that noise. I mean, he's not that cute and he can't dress you guys. And he doesn't have a cell phone.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

erin shea to susancho78, Mercedes, Russ, Amanda, Danny, David, Liz, Debra

show details Feb 2

buzz it UP, just like you do on gchat! just show them all your gchat buzz's!

um...the groom cried because he's broke and can't dress. and because he's obviously crazy, like anyone who would do a reality show is.

susan, are we going to see snoop dog on saturday night or WHAT?

Susan Cho to me, Erin, Lauren, Krista, Lyle, mc

show details Feb 7

I know I'm always crying about how I'm broke and can't dress, but I want to try this place out soonish..

http://www.wurstkucherestaurant.com/index.html

BOOM.

Now stop being broke and can't dress and unless you're a virgin who can't drive, go get yourself some SAUSAGE. 

You’re broke and ya can’t DRESS

A general insult. Also a way to explain to your friends why you can’t partake in various Best Life Ever-type activities on occasion.