Whelp Tickets

I can’t imagine there’s anyone out there who’s never experienced miscommunication via email or chat. Luckily with our Diverse Friendship Tribe (ahem. David. seriously.) and the diverse typo offenders that belong to it, many of these miscommunications have now become familiar, widely-used phrases for us. Whelp Tickets is no exception. It happened one night in the middle of a three-way. A three-way chat, come on, you guys. It started so innocently, not even meaning to be a typo! Everyone says ‘welp,’ this and ‘welp,’ that! But put a little H in 'welp' and mass confusion ensues. Can’t complain though, because as a result, another little language gem was born…

2:30 PM 
Mercedes: You've been invited to this chat room!

Erin has joined

Mercedes: ok
  here we go

Erin: THANK you


Mercedes: that's some drama right thurrrrr
Susan
you here?


Mercedes: bway bway?


Erin: BWAY BWAY?


2:33 PM 
Erin: you guys
what the FUCK happened to susan


2:34 PM 
Susan: sorry buddy.
i had to take a call.

Mercedes: ok
we were worried
so many things happened

Susan: what happened?
oh you mean, with the chat?
or...like, was it a ghost?

Erin: haha
it was definitely a ghost

Mercedes: that chat

Susan: i'm reading this book about the science behind ghosts and paranormal activity.

Mercedes: Erin got the bootskis

Susan: its kind of interesting.
gchatparanormal activity.


Mercedes: g-anormal activity
you guys

Erin: silly

Susan: dumbbb.

Erin: wait you guys
  
Erin: i like mike hong:
  
Michael: my producer was telling me that her 3-year-old niece loves disney villains
and her mom walked in on her in her room talking on an imaginary cell phone yelling "the POINT is cinderella, WE'RE NOT FRIENDS!!"
i love this girl

Mercedes: HEH HEH!!!

Susan: oh my god. thats the funniest thing i've ever heard..


Susan: by the way, i was looking at pictures of _____ on fb the other night, she's not that cute anymore...
maybe it's just cause i don't like her..but man..not cute.

Mercedes: hold up

Erin: i mean, she's cute

Mercedes: gotta do the DO

Erin: her face


Susan: ugh. but her body. her body. (is a portopotty).

Erin: gha. you guys should be team anti disney princess for beta breakers
DUMB susan!!!!!
god!
i cannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooot stop laughing
her body is a portapotty!!

Susan: wait. that cinderella line is really fucking funny.

Erin: i know
like, what did cinderella say to make the little girl have to take such a strong stance?


2:47 PM 
Mercedes: wait
her body is a portapotty?!!!
STUPID

Erin: RIGHT
i can't STOP laughing at that

Susan: I know, now I have that stupid song in my head..

Mercedes: pretty true tho

Susan: ugh. seriously. her body is disgusting.

Mercedes: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
2:57 PM 
whelp tickets are sold out, so problem solved

Susan: whats whelp?

Mercedes: Whelp,
tickets are sold out
for Nightlife
DUMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBB

Susan: ohmega. that is SOOO STUPID.

Susan: like, what are marijuana tablets.

Mercedes: I am laughing so hard right now]

Susan: you guys. i can't believe i just typed that.

Mercedes: that made my whole day

Erin: wait what?
i missed it

Mercedes: I said "whelp"
to start off my sentence right before I said "Tickets are sold out"
and Susan said "what's whelp?"

Susan: (in my defense there was no punctuation)

Mercedes: that's true
I set you up

Susan: thats like some eats shoots leaves shit right there.

Erin: WHAT?
what's whelp?
i don't get it, you guys?
what is the MATTER with me
instead of welp?
or?

Mercedes: yes

Susan: maybe its the "h" in whelp that throws people off.


Mercedes: the "h" adds the extra emphasis

Erin: OHHHH
so susan you thought she meant tickets to whelp were sold out

Susan: yes.
so stupid.

Erin: okay yeah. that's hilarious. DUMB


Mercedes: it's good shit

Erin: well, i hope Whelp sings 'your body is a portapotty' for all the people who DID get tickets.

Naturally, we had to share this with the rest of the DFT to integrate it properly into the daily email chain and, as is usually the case, most of the team jumped right on the ball. I do have to say though, that some people slipped up. Russ didn’t bring his usual enthusiasm. David had nothing to say. Debra was off having a baby during all this and still hasn’t incorporated it into her own version, like, ‘Zoe’s finally stopped feeding off my huge brown whelp tickets for the night.’  But that’s okay. Russ and David have spearheaded many an Extended Family Dictionary campaign so they get a pass on this one. And I guess having a baby entitles one to a pass as well. So. We’ll just go ahead and honorably mention Susan Cho, not only for being responsible for the confusion that resulted in the creation of this term, but also for being the most frequent user of it. Good job, gang, once again.

susancho78@gmail.com to Amanda, me, elizabeth.ohern, Mercedes, Danny

show details Jul 30

Yup yup. Let's do the weekend of the 21st. Depending on funds, I might have to drive, but otherwise will book some whelp tickets. I'm also going to send out an official email to everyone; ridgeway, andre, wachs etc. And then Beth, you can book your ticket?

She said she doesn't mind doing it at hers, so... I guess we can. It'll just be rullll easy, maybe a potluck or some shit. I kind of do want to get her that disgusting labor cake. Ewwwwwwwwwww.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Danny Krueger to Susan, Russ, Amanda, me, Mercedes, Debra, David

show details Aug 19

Whelp tickets, today has been BALLS.  And my throat still hurts, so I am going to skip the gym, go home, take a vicodin, ride a skateboard, pour a glass of wine, and watch Crazy Heart.  That sounds like a real good night right there.  I'm kind of excited about that.

susancho78@gmail.com to me, Amanda, Danny, Mercedes

show details Aug 20

Oh yeah! I forgot about ska fests! Man. We had a rulllll good time talking about high school music last night. I think I'm going to wear a choker today.

Whelp tickets, I guess that means we're just going to have to definitely go to ny for new years eve you guys.....

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

erin shea to Debra, susancho78, Amanda, David, Mercedes, Danny, Russ, Liz

show details Sep 2

whelp tickets, some people tried to go home and take a nap but couldn't sleep because some cats wanted too much attention. BUT some people also decided to hop on down to the furniture store and buy a bed! I went looking last weekend and saw this rull cute one I haven't been able to stop thinking about. I needed it, so I took it! Finally, no more bed on wheels! Now I can get BENT and my neighbor won't hear shit.

- Show quoted text -

susancho78@gmail.com to Liz, David, Amanda, Danny, Debra, Russ, Mercedes, me

show details Sep 10

Ooooh sexy! I wish I could.

That's sounds rulll ass fun.

Danny, I wanted to fly 12/29ish ( and catch a red eye) and fly back 1/2ish. Its about 400 or so on Virgin... Whelp, one way it'll only be 200 for you.

I was telling Mark Sitko we were talking about flying out and he was like, "uhhh oh boy."

We need to start coordinating who's staying where though. I'm super ok getting a hostel, if there is no room for me. Or I can stay with Oscar, but he lives in Queens Zass.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Danny Krueger to susancho78, David, Debra, me, Russ, talkingtoliz, Amanda, Mercedes

show details Sep 24

Whelp tickets, I just got back from the beach and I see I have a lot of emails to read through.  Anything major that I missed today?

The beach was REAL nice.  It was really hot, I jumped in the water twice!  You guys, you should really try to go tomorrow.  I think Dave and I are supposed to get some move-related work done, but if we finish early enough, we'll join you. 

Now I'm in trouble because a beer sounds REAL good, Seth, but I better don't start drinking now or else things won't be good eight hours from now when I'm STILL drinking.  Bad idea beans.

-       Show quoted text –

erin shea to Russ, David, susancho78, Mercedes, Amanda, Danny, Debra, Liz

show details Oct 13

NOT cool.

Whelp tickets, some people stayed up too late last night because Paw and Sarah and Clay came over and Clay wanted to watch The Room since he'd never seen it. We got 49 minutes in (starting it at like midnight) and they had to go home, but it was long enough for me to ride my skateboard way too much and be tired bottom jeans today. It also made me dream that Susan was crying and when I asked her why she said that Bella passed away and it was because she was supposed to feed her the night before, but had instead been getting wasted with us. She had a very scientific explanation about how when starvation takes over the body, organs begin to shut down. I was sad that she killed Bella, but even sadder that it was making her reevaluate her BLE lifestyle.

susancho78@gmail.com to Debra, Russ, me, talkingtoliz, David, Danny, Amanda, Mercedes

show details Oct 15

Whelp tickets. All I know is that some people are ditching this asshole bb cause its a piece of crap phone, and am going to get a smart phone when iphone goes to verizon.

I mean, I know the bb is a smart phone, but I guess I want a smarter phone. Not one that got a c in physics jr year, and dint take any ap classes, like the blackberry probably did.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

susancho78@gmail.com to David, me, Liz, Mercedes, Russ, Amanda, Danny, Debra

show details Oct 25

Whelp tickets. You guys I just did something kind of rude. We have a tub of mixed nuts here in the kitchen, and I poured some out into a dixie cup, and put back 2 of the brazil nuts and replaced them with macadamia nuts. With my own hands!

Ummm. Some people might just tell their sister to walk and feed the dogs, and some people might just want to meet erin in burbank to watch the game this week. Maybe thursday?

Lemme look at the schedule and ima let you know.

I'm excited about the halloween house party screams on saturday. Mama has been wanting to go to a party for a while now....

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Amanda Huffman to Russ, Danny, David, susancho78, me, Mercedes, LizPfeffer, Debra

show details Nov 12

Go Russ. Tell it like it is!

So he was a little person? I thought you saw him in the parking lot and he was tall? Whelp tickets, are you going to see what happens? Or is there no hope of chemistry?

I forgot my phone today. Naked SCREAMS!

erin shea to Mercedes, Russ, susancho78, Liz, Debra, Danny, Amanda, DavidTousley

show details Nov 29

it was hilarious. some dude when I went to the bar to order a drink at Edendale asked me if I needed to 'get in there' so I told him I was just trying to order a drink, and he replied, 'yeah, i know, i'm going to let you use this space.' So I thanked him for letting me use his space, then saw this dude at Thirsty Crow that looked like him, so I told Erin to go ask if it was him and we were just drunk enough not to give a shit, so she went over to him and was like 'were you at Edendale just now?' and he said no and she said 'well, my friend would like you to come say hi to her because you look like this really cute guy who was there.' So he was like, 'okay.' So then he came over and we talked and then Erin went to catch a cab home and I was like, 'whelp tickets, guess I'm going with you.' So then I almost went to go get pizza with him but Erin came back with a burrito and said she couldn't catch a cab so I had to take her boo. I mean home, but was gonna write BOO SCREAMS!

My favorite part was when he told me his brother has a band called Pussy Cow. LIKE!

Susan Cho to me, Amanda, Mercedes, David, Liz, Debra, Danny, Russ

show details Dec 1

Amanda. Get that SIX PACK!

Also, last Thursday, I made a big statement (Kim) and said I was seriously going to get a BLE tattoo.

Whelp tickets. I was serious, and think I'm going to finally get a bluebird  with the BLE incorporated in.

For real..

Something like this. But smaller. And cuter.

- Hide quoted text -

Danny to Debra, Liz, me, Amanda, susancho78, Mercedes, RussSharkey, David

show details Dec 3 (12 days ago)

Amanda!!! You are cracking me up over here.  Sounds like maybe you've been hanging out with Mold Mommy.

Whelp tickets, the Uhaul van is loaded up and tomorrow we are moving on up to the East side!

Sent by magic

Whelp tickets, that’s all they wrote. So the next time you’re finding yourself confused by an email or a gchat, just throw some extra letters into random everyday words and see if you can’t one-up whomever is confusing you! It’s liberating!

Whelp Tickets:

A term used in place of the more widely-known, ‘welp,’ which is an alternative way of starting off a sentence with ‘well…’ Also can be used when speaking of purchasing any sort of ticket, be it for a play, a movie or a Whelp concert.  

Feelin' Real Feminine

Well, I’m not going to try and candy coat this one, folks. This is basically our way of saying it’s time to drop the kids, take the browns to the Super Bowl, lay down a deuce…you know…have a little poop? (In case you’re still not sure what I mean, you can get all your answers here. Body Builders always say it best.)


It all started when the Diverse Friendship Tribe finally started to accept the reality that two of its most treasured members, Danny and Dave, were relocating to the concrete jungle called New York City. As their move date grew closer and closer, we actually started believing this story that they were going to pack up the car and take the southern route across the country, stopping in L.A. and Vegas before heading straight to Arizona.


It was around all this Arizona talk that we really began to take this whole thing seriously. And we couldn’t beat ‘em, so we joined ‘em. We worked out a weekend in glamorous Anaheim during their L.A. stay. (I mean, you can’t leave California without having one last California Adventure. Topless. But that’s another story.) We made sure they knew to play KITTY GLITTERRRRRRRRRR (and say it like that) when they went to Vegas to get Oprah Rich. But when it came to heading straight to Arizona, not many of us had anything to offer. The Grand Canyon? No-brainer. Corona party? Naturally. But they were going to Sedona. Where’s that?


Luckily, Amanda “La Huff” Huffman, the world-travelin’ sonofabitch she is, knows exactly where Sedona is and wasn’t afraid to show it. Without her, we would know nothing of this famed attraction that draws people to Sedona…this thing that was destined to become a much more polite way to speak of taking a dump. The Vortex of Feminine Energy. 


Danny and Dave did pack up their car. They did make it to L.A. for aforementioned glamorous Anaheim weekend. During that weekend, the Vortex of Feminine Energy was spoken of quite a bit. And somewhere during all the madness that inevitably comes with four 30-something assholes being ridiculous at Disneyland, the Vortex of Feminine Energy became another term for the bathroom. But only for doing a #2. Then, it just became easier to speak of how much of a priority a bathroom break was by rating it in terms of level of femininity felt. So if one of us was feelin' reallllllll feminine, we knew we were in for a good 5-minute break. In addition to doing a great job of utilizing the FastPass system, I believe we also found the most efficient Vortex of Feminine Energy at Disneyland. We found it to be in the House of Blues at Downtown Disney. After that happy hour, we had all felt so feminine, we were ready to take on our remaining six hours of topless roller coaster photos and other unintentional attempts to be tossed from the Happiest Place on Earth. Somehow, all that feminine energy must have been protecting us that day. So, we kept it. Below, you’ll see the progression of how it came to become a part of our lives, how naturally and easily it rolls itself on out. The phrase, I mean. Honorable mentions to Danny Krueger and Susan Cho for being so very open on how feminine they're feeling at any given time. You’ll see.


Sorry guys. We’re just kind of gross. It’s because we’re just close.

Amanda Huffman to susancho78, Danny, me, Mercedes

show details Sep 8

Disney scavenger hunt sounds so fun though!

Danny while you're in Sedona you should go see an energist, or get your aura photographed. Or go the the vortex of feminine energy (where I took a dump). Also, there is a really cool natural rock slide in the river and Anaszi Indian ruins built into the cliffs.

Susan, how are you liking the new job? I know its only been a day, but...spill!

-       Show quoted text –

Danny Krueger to Amanda, susancho78, me, Mercedes

show details Sep 8

ooooh, I wanna go on a natural rock slide in the river!  I been on one of those before, it's so fun!  Do you remember where it was?

I also want to take a dump at the vortex of feminine energy.  I'm kind of excited about Sedona, actually, it looks beautiful.  If you remember any other cool stuff to do there, let me know!

No, Susan, I didn't talk to Mandy about the handjobs yet.  I'm waiting for the Palm lady to confirm that it's 100% definite, she said she'd know today. I told Dave if I made a lot of money, I'd get us two nights in a fancy hotel in Savannah to celebrate!

-       Show quoted text –

susancho78@gmail.com to Danny, Amanda, me, Mercedes

show details Sep 8

Ohmega. I totes want to take a dump at the vortex of feminine energy. I guess these bathrooms will have to do, cause yesterday I took 3, and today I'm working on dump # 2.

Works ok. I've just been indexing and filing, so I'm not really sure what else to expect. All I know is, yesterday flew by, and today is sloooowwwwwwww.

Guh. I did these squats last night, and now my thighs are sore!

Danny to susancho78, Russ, Liz, me, Amanda, MercedesTaylor, David, Debra

show details Sep 14

Yes, and all my CDs, and envelopes. And zippers!

When we drive into El Paso we're totally gonna play that Old 97s song!

The plan now is LA, Disneyland, Vegas, Hoover dam, grand canyon, Sedona camping for two nights (and taking dumps at the vortex of feminine energy), then driving a long way to El Paso (just for sleeping), then Austin for two nights, New Orleans for two nights, savannah for two nights, Washington DC, then arriving at Dave's parents house! It's gonna be a long trip. Hopefully we don't break up!

Sent by magic

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Mercedes Taylor to Danny, susancho78, Russ, Liz, me, Amanda, David, Debra

show details Sep 14

Vortex of feminine energy dumps.  Killin' it.  I have to be at work until 8pm tonight.  I shan't survive.

- Show quoted text -

--

Peace out

Amanda Huffman to me, Russ, to, Mercedes, Danny, Debra, David, Liz

show details Sep 17

Yeah, chili and soup sounds like BAD idea bottom jeans beans. I've had that happen once when I was running, but there was no where to go but the bushes (or the vortex of feminine energy in Sedona)! I had to cut the run short and go home. Maybe try something more carby?

-       Show quoted text –

Danny to susancho78, Russ, Mercedes, Amanda, David, DebraHamilton, me, Liz

show details Oct 13

OMG Susan you're like Lindsay hitting on Steve Holt. "He thinks I'm cuuuu-uuuute".

Last night Dave and I BOTH had dreams about Emmylou Harris. Seriously. I think it's because Sedona is a vortex. Which, okay, we didn't find the ACTUAL vortex of feminine energy, but we did take HUGE dumps at a diner with a spaceship/alien theme. Incidentally, every time we have to poo, we just say "I'm feeling real feminine." Oh, and we went to Slide Rick state park, which has natural waterslides in this gorgeous river. So fun.

Also, last night I dreamt I had to poo really bad, but the only toilet was in the corner of this room full of people. They were all at tables, eating, I think. They didn't seem to notice me at first, but then I let out this real loud, long fart, and they all glared at me. Weird.

Sent by magic

-       Show quoted text –

Danny Krueger to David, susancho78, Russ, me, Mercedes, Amanda, LizPfeffer, Debra

show details Nov 12

I want that album too!  But I don't know how dropbox works.  Make me one and send me the album.

Speaking of dropboxes, I have visited the vortex of feminine energy THREE TIMES already today.  Must be all that Ethiopian food and BYOB.

-       Show quoted text –

Danny Krueger to Russ, me, Liz, susancho78, David, Mercedes, Amanda, Debra

show details Nov 12

I told Dave about my excessive femininity today and he said that's probably why Ethiopians are so skinny.

TOO SOON!

You guys I just had a giant spinach salad and an apple, so I'm about to get real feminine AGAIN!

Ariel Davenport has a problem today.  She can't stop being feminine!

-       Show quoted text –

Amanda Huffman to David, Liz, Susan, Danny, Russ, me, Mercedes, Debra

show details Nov 12

Today has been intresting. We had cheese, cupcakes and champagne for an office celebration. I got a little tipsy and had a come to Jesus talk with one of my managers. Then she bought me a coffee and I had a 2nd vortex of feminine energy dump. I feel SO sushi.

-       Show quoted text –

susancho78@gmail.com to David, Debra, Danny, Amanda, Liz, Russ, Mercedes, me

show details Oct 11

Oh. And bee tee dubs, yesterday as I was driving home from Erins house, I'm pretty sure they were filming Ryan Goslings movie on this one street I take to get home, and if I hadn't had to take such a big dump, I would have parked and loitered.

Speaking of which, I'm feeling a surge of feminine energy.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

susancho78@gmail.com to Russ, Amanda, Danny, me, Mercedes, Debra, David, Liz

show details Oct 15

Russ, sarcasm noted.

On a more serious note, some people have got a buncha feminine energy they want to get out, but know they're going to get walked in on. Dump screams!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

susancho78@gmail.com to me, Russ, Debra, David, Mercedes, talkingtoliz, Danny, Amanda

show details Oct 15

Also. It just got rulllll feminine in the ladies room thanks to that bowl of chili and my santa fe style rice and beans lean cuisine lunch.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

And...we're done. 

Feelin' Real Feminine:

A polite way of saying you'd like to use the restroom to have a little poop come out. Can be used regardless of gender or race. Based on the Vortex of Feminine Energy in Sedona, Arizona. A place everyone should visit.