Unzip my face

Whelp tickets,  somehow the whole month of May has come and gone and mine eyes completely overlooked the fact that no love was given to the EFD. It’s a sad, sad thing. That’s why this entry is extra-special. One of our best yet, a fairly new term that already feels like an old tried and true…the notion that every once in awhile, life makes you want to unzip your face. 

Because some days, people JUST. 

Like many members of my Diverse Friendship Tribe, I’m a pretty easygoing person. That is to say, it takes a lot for something to really irritate me, so it's rare that reaching my breaking point happens. But when it does…oh when it does…whoever is responsible better get a hat made and get ready to hold the fuck onto it, because it’s not pretty.

Thankfully, Miss Liz Pfeffer has found a way for us to channel this type of anger in a healthier way, to express it through SCREAMS shared in the daily email chain rather than impulsively acting out on the offender. During her visit to LA earlier this year for the best New Year’s party ever, Liz coined the term and idea of unzipping her face when talking about someone who really just pissed her the hell off, and demonstrated what she meant by pulling an invisible zipper through the middle of her face from skull to chin and then suddenly jolting forward in a motion that one might find in a horror movie, you know, when the normal-looking person unzips their face and a scary ass monster pops out from under the skin…something like this:

As a producer of reality television, I actually find myself ready to unzip my face on a number of occasions. So I especially am happy to be able to talk about it rather than act on it, because, you know, it’s nice to have a job and otherwise I might never work in this town again.  So here are some examples of the way we use the idea of unzipping our faces on people or things or random annoying turns of events, in the hopes that others will embrace the idea and turn it into a cultural phenomenon! Of course, honorable mention goes to said Liz Pfeffer for bringing the joy of face-unzipping into our lives.

LP to me, SC, MT, DK, DT, RS, DH, AH

show details Jan 3

Grifter Erin is going to unzip her face. I have a smoker's cough and old man hobble today. That ride was ruff but it could have been worse and some people needed to work today. I'm not sure if I'm one of them, no work has happened yet.

Piggytail David: I'm in for cabin romance. Let's set up our roommates.
- Show quoted text -

MT to SC, DT, LP, AH, me, DK, RS, DH

show details Jan 19

Ok.  Erin, that is not OK.  We are grown ass adults and cutting someone else down when you don't feel good about something is really juvenile.  I mean...I deal with that all day at work so I have zero tolerance for that.  Next time she does it, unzip your face and Huff her OUT.  Debra, welcome home, and you best be returning my text message, you tired bitch.  Just kidding, just kidding....but I do want to see Zoe and I do live majorly close to you guys now.  Everyone else, HI!
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me to SC, MT, AH, RS, DT, LP, DK, DH

show details Jan 19

yeah!  Hopefully she'll be in a better mood, but yeah, I think you guys are right, if she says something oddly jabby again, I'm just going to do a soft call out. Not a full unzipping of the face. Just like an unvelcro-ing of my face. Or a moistening of the face envelope.

I really like this life of just waking up (late) staying in my pj's until yoga, coming home and showering, riding my skateboard, watching bad movies and emailing the shit out of you guys while being back in my pj's post-shower. This is the LIFE right here.

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SC to me, MT, Ah, RS, DT, LP, DK, DH

show details Jan 19

YOU GUYS.

ERIN. Unvelcro that face!

I cant' stop laughing.
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RS to me, SC, MT, AH, DT, LP, DK, DH

show details Jan 19

Okay, I'm on the virtual internet line to buy a Burning Man ticket.  I don't know why I have this on my checklist of life, like the triathlon or the AIDS ride, but it's on there and has been for a while and a bunch of my friends who have never gone before are going so I'm pretty sure I'm going, even if just for like four or five days.  I'm NOT dressing like a tranny clown, though. 

Erin, the imagery from "unvelcro-ing of my face. Or a moistening of the face envelope" is killing me because I can totally see you doing it.  Not in a jabby way, of course.

And guess who's a godmother?  This moi!
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MT to SC, RS, me, AH, DT, LP, DK, DH

show details Jan 19

Moistening the face envelope. Hells yes.

Sent from the iPhone of a pimp
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DH to AH, LP, MT, me, RS, SC, DT, DK

show details Jan 19

I thought I was all caught up on the DFT emails and then I realized there were 44 more.

But man, moisten that face envelope.  That got me goooood.
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me to MT, SC, RS, DK, AH, DT, DH, LP 

show details Jan 27

no kidding! i was ready to unzip my face all over that shit. he was like 'oh, our production got delayed' and i was like, well, yeah, when I spoke to you guys three weeks ago someone said I'd need to be out there by the 24th...then I never heard anything and talked to my references and they hadn't heard from anyone, so I figured you were staffed up.

ANNOYING! It would've all been so perfect!

But. Whatever. Everything happens for a reason I GUESS.

Boy is Danny gonna be pissed when he gets back from sledding. 
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MT to SC, me, AH, DK, DT, DH, LP, RS

show details Feb 8

You guys!  That is hilarious that it wasn't a singalong!  That is helping me OUT because I am ready to unzip my whole body on every 7th grader at this school.  So the kids are like, making shit up about how they are SO afraid of the teachers...mainly because they don't do their work and they get in trouble.  Apparently some kid said I sighed at him when he asked for help, which is fucking crazy.

Sorry, done venting now.  BUT, I will tell you that I had the most interesting dream last night.  I dreamed that Amanda, John and I went to visit Danny and Dave and we went to a Timbaland concert.  So, there was some song about bras (I totally remembered it this morning and it was a jam) and all these girls were on stage with their titties out.  And then Danny said "I'm pole vaulting" because he had a boner.  I woke up laughing and couldn't go back to sleep.  So weird.

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AH  to DH, LP, RS, DT, MT, me, SC, DK

show details Feb 17

Unzip your face Liz! And record it. I want to hear you go cray cray?
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LP to MT, RS, me, AH, SC, DK, DH, DT

show details Feb 18

Are you guys on the road (again)?

Mercedes, what the hell did you get into last night?

Amanda, is today the day you're chemically unzipping your face??

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RS to SC, MT, LP, DK, DT, AH, me, DH

show details Mar 1

The unzip my face thing gets me EVERY TIME.

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MT to SC, LP, AH, RS, DH, DK, me, DT

show details Mar 2

Oh my god.  Allow me to unzip my face for a second (which by the way, I said to this kid today and he laughed rull hard).  Why did this kid just come in and ask me how he can raise his grade (grades are due Friday), and I asked him if he did the extra credit that was due today and he said no because he didn't have time.  As you can imagine my skin is hanging off of the sides of my face from unzipping the fuck out of it.

Other than that, this day is just fine.

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DK to MT, SC, AH, me, LP, DT, DH, RS 

show details Apr 6

Better start moistening the envelope...

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SC to MT, DH, DK, DT, LP, RS, me, AH

show details Apr 27

"WHO CARES???"

Oh, and that fucking 6 am phone interview I had didn't happen this

morning. I woke up extra early so I wouldn't be like totally asleep

when she called, and that bitch didn't call.

Grump, grump grumpadelphia.

I'm going to the gym tonight to get it out. My sister got me a week

pass at her fancy ass gym, so Monday we did yoga (i stretched it out),

and am going to either spin or run tonight. probably run. I am so

irritated with everyone and everything something will probably set me

off in spin and I'll unzip my face and then have to get escorted out.

The only good news is, I got a living social deal for a month

unlimited at some yoga place near my house for 49 bucks. So while I'm

unemployed, I'm just going to yogacize. I just hate how they say shit

like, "Look into your third eye". I mean..what does that mean?
-Show quoted text –

es to SC, LP, MT, AH, DT, DK, RS, DH

show details May 12

you guys, Liz, you invented unzipping your face, right? What was that story again? I keep saying it today because I srrrrrsly am ready to do that (it's not even like a moistening the face envelope kind of day, it's a full rip it open with a letter opener kind of day) and erin haglund is rulll curious as to where it came from. She says it was in a movie. Is this true? What is this like for you?
-Show quoted text –

MT to me, SC, LP, AH, DK, DT, RS, DH

show details May 12

Speaking of unzipping faces, Liz Pfeffer should be happy to know that you are the creator of a new phrase in educational jargon.  My friend Claire was emailing with one of her friends on the US Board of Education and said she "unzips her face" on these kids very often.  He loved it.

Erin, why are you about to unzip it all?

I'm about to unzip my face if these damn kids don't have their presentations that I gave them 3 DAYS TO DO IN CLASS done.  I had a nice relaxing day of Brazilian blowouts and massages and I'll be DAMNED if these kids undo that.

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MT to SC, me, AH, LP, DK, DT, RS, DH

show details May 12

Laura's b-day is tomorrow, mangs.  Yes, I'm going to happy hour punchbowls, should be there by like 5:30.  I got yer back Huff.  That camel toe fire is making me tear up.

This day is ok but it is about to be sucks.  Face slowly unzipping....
-Show quoted text –

DT to MT, SC, me, AH, LP, DK, RS, DT, DH

show details May 12

I'm tearing up from the face slowly unzipping... This day is

sucks. I seriously need to ride a skateboard and make a margarita or

something. I mean, I've been waiting on crazy people all day and all I

can say is, Weow. When do I get to see my DFT????
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RS to DK, AH, LP, DT, me, MT, SC, DH

show details May 19

Guh, you guys.  First of all, try not to unzip your face Amanda. 

Bridesmaids was FUNNY!  Liz, you called it.  The douchy marina girl sitting RIGHT NEXT TO US was the loudest laugher in the theater, laughed at things that weren't even meant to be funny, and kicked over her wine bottle.  It was still hilarious.  I mean, I won't talk about it because I know not everyone has seen it yet, but that first scene.  Hilarious.  That scene in the street - you know what I'm talking about - what a shit show.  Awesome.

- Show quoted text –

SC to me, MT, DT, AH, LP, DK, RS, DH

show details May 24 

Oh, and Amanda. If I were you, I would just completely unzip my FACE

on my last day at that co worker. I mean, I would lay it out for her,

and basically hit below the belt, saying shit like the world would be

a better place if she'd never been born, and that you feel sorry for

anyone that has to spend time with her.

I mean, I know you won't, but just think up a rull good speech that'll

be mean, and it might make you feel better.
-Show quoted text –

AH to DT, me, MT, SC, LP, DK, RS, DH

show details May 24 

Good idear Susan, Mail that letter in my head. Oh I have so many things I would say. 

Mercedes, that is dumb as FUCK. Lets unzip our faces and write out our angry letters. What's wrong with people?
- Show quoted text -

MT to me, RS, SC, AH, LP, DT, DK, DH

show details May 25 

DAMN.  Why do people keep pushing?  It's like they want the unzipped skull and flesh to show!  ASSHOLLLLLEEEEEEEE

- Show quoted text -

RS to MT, me, SC, AH, LP, DT, DK, DH

show details May 25 

Good word bitch slap, Erin.  I like the way you only unzipped from your ear lobe to your chin giving him the chance to have it closed right back up by making it right before this is exposed:

- Show quoted text -


Ahhh that's the good stuff right there.  After all this, there's only one thing left to say, and I'll let Hot Chip say it for me: 

Now, while I don't encourage an actual unzipping of the face, I am a fan of talking about it, because it just feels so RIGHT. So go ahead. Get on it. 
Unzip my face:
To get really angry, like you have a horror-movie-monster just seething below the skin and with just a few zipper teeth unzipped, that monster will pop out and unleash its fury all throughout the universe. SCREAMS!