Unzip my face

Whelp tickets,  somehow the whole month of May has come and gone and mine eyes completely overlooked the fact that no love was given to the EFD. It’s a sad, sad thing. That’s why this entry is extra-special. One of our best yet, a fairly new term that already feels like an old tried and true…the notion that every once in awhile, life makes you want to unzip your face. 

Because some days, people JUST. 

Like many members of my Diverse Friendship Tribe, I’m a pretty easygoing person. That is to say, it takes a lot for something to really irritate me, so it's rare that reaching my breaking point happens. But when it does…oh when it does…whoever is responsible better get a hat made and get ready to hold the fuck onto it, because it’s not pretty.

Thankfully, Miss Liz Pfeffer has found a way for us to channel this type of anger in a healthier way, to express it through SCREAMS shared in the daily email chain rather than impulsively acting out on the offender. During her visit to LA earlier this year for the best New Year’s party ever, Liz coined the term and idea of unzipping her face when talking about someone who really just pissed her the hell off, and demonstrated what she meant by pulling an invisible zipper through the middle of her face from skull to chin and then suddenly jolting forward in a motion that one might find in a horror movie, you know, when the normal-looking person unzips their face and a scary ass monster pops out from under the skin…something like this:

As a producer of reality television, I actually find myself ready to unzip my face on a number of occasions. So I especially am happy to be able to talk about it rather than act on it, because, you know, it’s nice to have a job and otherwise I might never work in this town again.  So here are some examples of the way we use the idea of unzipping our faces on people or things or random annoying turns of events, in the hopes that others will embrace the idea and turn it into a cultural phenomenon! Of course, honorable mention goes to said Liz Pfeffer for bringing the joy of face-unzipping into our lives.

LP to me, SC, MT, DK, DT, RS, DH, AH

show details Jan 3

Grifter Erin is going to unzip her face. I have a smoker's cough and old man hobble today. That ride was ruff but it could have been worse and some people needed to work today. I'm not sure if I'm one of them, no work has happened yet.

Piggytail David: I'm in for cabin romance. Let's set up our roommates.
- Show quoted text -

MT to SC, DT, LP, AH, me, DK, RS, DH

show details Jan 19

Ok.  Erin, that is not OK.  We are grown ass adults and cutting someone else down when you don't feel good about something is really juvenile.  I mean...I deal with that all day at work so I have zero tolerance for that.  Next time she does it, unzip your face and Huff her OUT.  Debra, welcome home, and you best be returning my text message, you tired bitch.  Just kidding, just kidding....but I do want to see Zoe and I do live majorly close to you guys now.  Everyone else, HI!
- Show quoted text -

me to SC, MT, AH, RS, DT, LP, DK, DH

show details Jan 19

yeah!  Hopefully she'll be in a better mood, but yeah, I think you guys are right, if she says something oddly jabby again, I'm just going to do a soft call out. Not a full unzipping of the face. Just like an unvelcro-ing of my face. Or a moistening of the face envelope.

I really like this life of just waking up (late) staying in my pj's until yoga, coming home and showering, riding my skateboard, watching bad movies and emailing the shit out of you guys while being back in my pj's post-shower. This is the LIFE right here.

- Show quoted text -

SC to me, MT, Ah, RS, DT, LP, DK, DH

show details Jan 19

YOU GUYS.

ERIN. Unvelcro that face!

I cant' stop laughing.
- Show quoted text -

RS to me, SC, MT, AH, DT, LP, DK, DH

show details Jan 19

Okay, I'm on the virtual internet line to buy a Burning Man ticket.  I don't know why I have this on my checklist of life, like the triathlon or the AIDS ride, but it's on there and has been for a while and a bunch of my friends who have never gone before are going so I'm pretty sure I'm going, even if just for like four or five days.  I'm NOT dressing like a tranny clown, though. 

Erin, the imagery from "unvelcro-ing of my face. Or a moistening of the face envelope" is killing me because I can totally see you doing it.  Not in a jabby way, of course.

And guess who's a godmother?  This moi!
- Show quoted text -

MT to SC, RS, me, AH, DT, LP, DK, DH

show details Jan 19

Moistening the face envelope. Hells yes.

Sent from the iPhone of a pimp
- Show quoted text -

DH to AH, LP, MT, me, RS, SC, DT, DK

show details Jan 19

I thought I was all caught up on the DFT emails and then I realized there were 44 more.

But man, moisten that face envelope.  That got me goooood.
- Show quoted text -

me to MT, SC, RS, DK, AH, DT, DH, LP 

show details Jan 27

no kidding! i was ready to unzip my face all over that shit. he was like 'oh, our production got delayed' and i was like, well, yeah, when I spoke to you guys three weeks ago someone said I'd need to be out there by the 24th...then I never heard anything and talked to my references and they hadn't heard from anyone, so I figured you were staffed up.

ANNOYING! It would've all been so perfect!

But. Whatever. Everything happens for a reason I GUESS.

Boy is Danny gonna be pissed when he gets back from sledding. 
- Show quoted text -

MT to SC, me, AH, DK, DT, DH, LP, RS

show details Feb 8

You guys!  That is hilarious that it wasn't a singalong!  That is helping me OUT because I am ready to unzip my whole body on every 7th grader at this school.  So the kids are like, making shit up about how they are SO afraid of the teachers...mainly because they don't do their work and they get in trouble.  Apparently some kid said I sighed at him when he asked for help, which is fucking crazy.

Sorry, done venting now.  BUT, I will tell you that I had the most interesting dream last night.  I dreamed that Amanda, John and I went to visit Danny and Dave and we went to a Timbaland concert.  So, there was some song about bras (I totally remembered it this morning and it was a jam) and all these girls were on stage with their titties out.  And then Danny said "I'm pole vaulting" because he had a boner.  I woke up laughing and couldn't go back to sleep.  So weird.

- Show quoted text -

AH  to DH, LP, RS, DT, MT, me, SC, DK

show details Feb 17

Unzip your face Liz! And record it. I want to hear you go cray cray?
-Show quoted text –

LP to MT, RS, me, AH, SC, DK, DH, DT

show details Feb 18

Are you guys on the road (again)?

Mercedes, what the hell did you get into last night?

Amanda, is today the day you're chemically unzipping your face??

- Show quoted text -

RS to SC, MT, LP, DK, DT, AH, me, DH

show details Mar 1

The unzip my face thing gets me EVERY TIME.

- Show quoted text –

MT to SC, LP, AH, RS, DH, DK, me, DT

show details Mar 2

Oh my god.  Allow me to unzip my face for a second (which by the way, I said to this kid today and he laughed rull hard).  Why did this kid just come in and ask me how he can raise his grade (grades are due Friday), and I asked him if he did the extra credit that was due today and he said no because he didn't have time.  As you can imagine my skin is hanging off of the sides of my face from unzipping the fuck out of it.

Other than that, this day is just fine.

- Show quoted text -

DK to MT, SC, AH, me, LP, DT, DH, RS 

show details Apr 6

Better start moistening the envelope...

- Show quoted text -

SC to MT, DH, DK, DT, LP, RS, me, AH

show details Apr 27

"WHO CARES???"

Oh, and that fucking 6 am phone interview I had didn't happen this

morning. I woke up extra early so I wouldn't be like totally asleep

when she called, and that bitch didn't call.

Grump, grump grumpadelphia.

I'm going to the gym tonight to get it out. My sister got me a week

pass at her fancy ass gym, so Monday we did yoga (i stretched it out),

and am going to either spin or run tonight. probably run. I am so

irritated with everyone and everything something will probably set me

off in spin and I'll unzip my face and then have to get escorted out.

The only good news is, I got a living social deal for a month

unlimited at some yoga place near my house for 49 bucks. So while I'm

unemployed, I'm just going to yogacize. I just hate how they say shit

like, "Look into your third eye". I mean..what does that mean?
-Show quoted text –

es to SC, LP, MT, AH, DT, DK, RS, DH

show details May 12

you guys, Liz, you invented unzipping your face, right? What was that story again? I keep saying it today because I srrrrrsly am ready to do that (it's not even like a moistening the face envelope kind of day, it's a full rip it open with a letter opener kind of day) and erin haglund is rulll curious as to where it came from. She says it was in a movie. Is this true? What is this like for you?
-Show quoted text –

MT to me, SC, LP, AH, DK, DT, RS, DH

show details May 12

Speaking of unzipping faces, Liz Pfeffer should be happy to know that you are the creator of a new phrase in educational jargon.  My friend Claire was emailing with one of her friends on the US Board of Education and said she "unzips her face" on these kids very often.  He loved it.

Erin, why are you about to unzip it all?

I'm about to unzip my face if these damn kids don't have their presentations that I gave them 3 DAYS TO DO IN CLASS done.  I had a nice relaxing day of Brazilian blowouts and massages and I'll be DAMNED if these kids undo that.

- Show quoted text -

MT to SC, me, AH, LP, DK, DT, RS, DH

show details May 12

Laura's b-day is tomorrow, mangs.  Yes, I'm going to happy hour punchbowls, should be there by like 5:30.  I got yer back Huff.  That camel toe fire is making me tear up.

This day is ok but it is about to be sucks.  Face slowly unzipping....
-Show quoted text –

DT to MT, SC, me, AH, LP, DK, RS, DT, DH

show details May 12

I'm tearing up from the face slowly unzipping... This day is

sucks. I seriously need to ride a skateboard and make a margarita or

something. I mean, I've been waiting on crazy people all day and all I

can say is, Weow. When do I get to see my DFT????
- Show quoted text -

RS to DK, AH, LP, DT, me, MT, SC, DH

show details May 19

Guh, you guys.  First of all, try not to unzip your face Amanda. 

Bridesmaids was FUNNY!  Liz, you called it.  The douchy marina girl sitting RIGHT NEXT TO US was the loudest laugher in the theater, laughed at things that weren't even meant to be funny, and kicked over her wine bottle.  It was still hilarious.  I mean, I won't talk about it because I know not everyone has seen it yet, but that first scene.  Hilarious.  That scene in the street - you know what I'm talking about - what a shit show.  Awesome.

- Show quoted text –

SC to me, MT, DT, AH, LP, DK, RS, DH

show details May 24 

Oh, and Amanda. If I were you, I would just completely unzip my FACE

on my last day at that co worker. I mean, I would lay it out for her,

and basically hit below the belt, saying shit like the world would be

a better place if she'd never been born, and that you feel sorry for

anyone that has to spend time with her.

I mean, I know you won't, but just think up a rull good speech that'll

be mean, and it might make you feel better.
-Show quoted text –

AH to DT, me, MT, SC, LP, DK, RS, DH

show details May 24 

Good idear Susan, Mail that letter in my head. Oh I have so many things I would say. 

Mercedes, that is dumb as FUCK. Lets unzip our faces and write out our angry letters. What's wrong with people?
- Show quoted text -

MT to me, RS, SC, AH, LP, DT, DK, DH

show details May 25 

DAMN.  Why do people keep pushing?  It's like they want the unzipped skull and flesh to show!  ASSHOLLLLLEEEEEEEE

- Show quoted text -

RS to MT, me, SC, AH, LP, DT, DK, DH

show details May 25 

Good word bitch slap, Erin.  I like the way you only unzipped from your ear lobe to your chin giving him the chance to have it closed right back up by making it right before this is exposed:

- Show quoted text -


Ahhh that's the good stuff right there.  After all this, there's only one thing left to say, and I'll let Hot Chip say it for me: 

Now, while I don't encourage an actual unzipping of the face, I am a fan of talking about it, because it just feels so RIGHT. So go ahead. Get on it. 
Unzip my face:
To get really angry, like you have a horror-movie-monster just seething below the skin and with just a few zipper teeth unzipped, that monster will pop out and unleash its fury all throughout the universe. SCREAMS!

Beta Breakers

Today is a national holiday for some people. Some people like me...and most of San Francisco. It's the day of Bay to Breakers, one of the most festive and silly, stupid days the Bay Area has to offer. Way back when we were just young kids just bein’ alright, Danny Krueger moved to Yay Area and would tell me tales of this deliriously fun and drunken day where people would put on their Sunday best-themed team costumes and come on out to celebrate and support those undertaking the footrace from one side of the city to the other. The first picture evidence I was presented with was in 2006, where key members of the DFT donned impressively skimpy outfits for the grand event:

And here are some other pictures of B2B past. It’s the kind of day where you could lose a toenail and have no idea how, where you could wake up after your midday nap with an excruciating headache and not remember it came from going on a makeshift see-saw and slamming your ass into the ground on a piece of plywood. Where the aftermath rears its ugly head in a jumble of scuba gear, pimp train costumes, wigs and mardi gras beads. Where an impromptu rave happens in Golden Gate Park because someone has built a DJ float. It’s one of those days where anything is possible…

Now, me being of sound biology studies background and not so sound geography knowledge of San Francisco back then, I didn’t realize that this event was named due to the map of the race—from the Embarcadero, the BAY, to the Great Highway at Ocean Beach, where waves crash into BREAKERS. Instead, I assumed it was called Beta Breakers. I couldn’t think of a reason why Beta would factor into the name, I just accepted that San Francisco is weird so of course they’d have some weird, nerdy science-related race parade that just gives people an excuse to dress and act like idiots while being drunk from dawn till dusk.

Thus, for the longest time, I went around calling it Beta Breakers until finally I asked Danny one day what it meant, why was it called Beta Breakers? And the truth came out. But of course, the phrase remains. This is the second year in a row I’m missing B2B due to working out of town and let’s hope it’s the LAST TIME!!! 

Susan Cho to me

show details 10/2/09

4:41 PM

Susan: Did you know, I can't stop laughing at leotardo da vinci? did you?

me: haha! we saw it last night, at the end of the jane fonda complete workout, their wardrobe was provided by leotardo da vinci

Susan: oh my god. retardo da vinci! i logged onto gmail ths morning and laughed out loud, so loud.

me: um...is there someone named daniel gonzales? that you know?

Susan: Yeah. You know Dan.

me: he put me on some weird email chain about composting, it's like me and some girl named alice and some girl named egan

 

me: megan

Susan: Alice is his roommate. She's french. Do't know megan. Maybe he meant to email another erin, but you know how on gmail, it saves people you've been on an email chain with, and he just wasn't paying attention to which erin he was emailing.

me: hmm

Susan: hmmm. thats funny and strange. maybe he wants you to move in..they hva really cute place in teh mission.

me: damn. that would be really fun. can they have cats?

Susan: Probably. I feel like evrywhere can I have cats.

me: wait is that where we met for beta breakers?

Susan: No. Thats Emily's place. Dan's place is on like 15th and Capp.

me: I feel like everywhere can I have cats.

Susan Cho to me

show details 10/5/09

Susan: is it cold there? or cooler? everyone i know in la is commenting on the weather.

me: really? i mean, it's not excruciatingly hot like it was a couple weeks ago but it's like mid-70's-80's

Susan: dang. thats still pretty damn warm. oh man. i can't wait to get a little la getaway made.

me: it's too bad you're not coming the weekend before though. There's a DANCE LIKE MICHAEL class happening that krista and are getting made

Susan: ooh. dang. that sounds hella fun.

me: i know, but maybe we'll pick up enough things that we can teach you guys. danny sent me a very promising text this morning

Susan: oh yeah. learn some moves, adn then we can do them.

? promising text about what? coming to la with us?

me: yep. he asked if we could do my staple drunk dance move if he comes. which, of course, is a no-brainer

Susan: yes. he was showing me your dance, but i feel like i need to see you do it to get the full effect.

me: it's the dance from beta breakers with the firecrotch, apparently

Susan: oh my god. but i missed the firecrotch dance!!!!!!!

me: i know. but that is the birth of that dance.

Susan Cho to me

show details 10/26/09

Susan: last night, i bought myself a 12 pack of pbr, had like 4, and then slept at like 1130.

me: nice. we had red stripe and i went to bed around midnight. i kept watching it's always sunny and then i randomly watched a nip/tuck on demand. that show has gotten ridiculous.

Susan: has it? i've never gotten into it..

me: i used to watch it. i stopped around the time jennifer was on it. i mean, it was weird then, but like, now one of the sons is all into mime. and he robbed a grocery store dressed in his mime costume.

Susan: uhhhhhhhhhh. thats weird.

me: and he's like kind of girly looking so he made for a real creepy mime

Susan: ugh. why do people go into the mime arts. oh wait. i knew a girl, tracy, who was in my bookclub, and she had friends who were mime's. like real ones.

me: that's gross. if i can't find a dress, i'm being a mime for halloween. ew or we should be team mime for beta breakers. that would be so creepy!!!!

Susan: ahhh!!! actually, mercedes and amanda said we should be team: men on film (from in living color).

me: ooo that'd be fun

Susan: which would be so funny. we could wear those little hats and give eveyrthing 2 snaps up.

me: even just team in living color. i want to be wanda. or no, who is jim carrey's musclewoman character?

Susan: vera de milo

me: vera yeah. i LIKE team in living color. because then different people could be everybody like fire marshall bill

Susan: yeah totally.

me: and the fly girls for people who just want to dress slutty, but not be a real part of the show

Susan: i wanna be that one woman whos' like, "but i'm not one to gossip, so you didn't hear that from me."

 

Or, i'd TOTALLY be a fly girl..

 

heh. 

erin shea to Danny, David, Russ, Debra, Mercedes, Susan, Amanda

show details 8/10/10

Ooo danny did you like that? Can we all be team kims for beta breakers next year? Also, I just walked deep into a tree just now. Some people need to put their BBM's away when they're trying to walk to lunch.

Susan Cho to David, Mercedes, Liz, Amanda, me, Danny, Russ, Debra

show details May 12 (2 days ago)

Plllleeeeeeease...Reeleease me?

Debra, is it going to be ZPH's first beta breakers?

You guys, I ate too much pizza and now I have a stomach ache.

- Show quoted text -


Beta Breakers: The scientific name for Bay To Breakers, the annual footrace that takes place on the 3rd Sunday in May in the lovely land of San Francisco. Beta Break Yo'self, fools! 

Jean Pants

You didn’t think I’d let all of April go by without a little advice on how to live your vest life ever, did you? Whelp tickets, if you did, you’re stuuuuuupid. The word of the day is: jean pants. Go ahead, try it out, feel it. IN YOUR MOUTH.

Jean pants came about one night when I was hanging out with good ol’ Erin Haglund, checking out her new pad in Los Feliz and trying to win the affections of her moody black cat, Fritz (not to be confused with Lyle Dohl, who shares the name, albeit in nick form). Erin was telling me all about how Fritz has a little piece of carpet he just loves to sit on, though it’s quite miniscule in comparison to his size, because he’s a huge ass cat.

This is Fritz:

This is Fritz trying to fit himself on his square of magic carpet:

As you can see, I’m not exaggerating. This guy is huge. Now, a lot of his massiveness is due to furriness, and big ass furry ass cats can really be high-maintenance. Especially in the area below the starfish…you know…where the poop comes out. And since most cats believe their human owners to serve as personal assistants, Erin has spent a lot of time helping Fritz out with keeping things sanitary in that area—those furry backs of the legs that Erin referred to as Fritz’s…you guessed it…JEAN PANTS! She’s even had to resort to trimming the jean pants with scissors and thus giving Fritz an easy breezy Capri jean pants look to sport for these upcoming summer months.

I’ve spared Fritz the embarrassment of sharing a photo of said knotty, gummed up jean pants and will provide the following as examples so you can see what I’m talking about:

Now, this probably makes no sense. Those brownish-black haunches don’t resemble denim in any way and the style is much more of an MC Hammer-type pant than the jean variety. Well, this is where my bad hearing comes into play. A normal person would’ve probably heard correctly been able to make the connection between ‘magic carpet’ and the type of pant Erin was referring to. But not this moi. No, it wasn’t until I had fully embraced the term jean pants, started using it liberally and involved the DFT in usage, that I finally one night asked Erin where she got ‘jean pants’ from anyway. Below, you’ll find that answer, as well as the various ways jean pants has become incorporated into our vernacular. It may be wrong, but it feels so right. And the honorable mention this time goes to, well, me, for being a deaf ass dumbass. 

Susan Cho to Amanda, me, Mercedes

show details 5/28/10

Yay. Amanda, you shoulda just stayed home.

Nordstrom was ok. I went to exchange my shoes, but they didn't have my size, so they had to DTC them to me. BUT, the good news is, they're on sale now, so I got like..30 bucks back! NICE. I shoulda ordered another pair. I went to H & M and got this sheer striped longish tank top for $5. Guh. I just want to wear it in the heat. Preferably NY. It'd be real cute with some jean shorts, or jean pants.

Ha.Mark said I could stay with him, I just got kinda excited when I was typing.

Ugh. You guys. Now I'm just pricing out flights to NY for the summer, and they're all like $500! Since when does everyone want to go to NY in August? Since when!

-       Show quoted text –

Reply

Erin Haglund to me

show details Feb 23

2:50 PM

me: you guys, mercedes is in love with fritz

5 minutes

2:55 PM

Erin: i just texted you a pic of him

 i think he misses all the excitemtent

2:56 PM

excitement

2:58 PM

me: i mean, he definitely gave me something to remember him by

oh my GOD

Erin: oooh noooo! i'm sorry, but he isn't

me: he is having a rough day obviously

Erin: he's remorseless jerk

me: haha

i think he was just pissed we were giving him so much shit about his jean pants

Erin: hahaha

he's proud of his jean pants

me: cats just must know all the shit we talk about them and get so irritated that they can't talk back so they just unleash violence

Erin: yeah

but he could NOT stay away!

me: hahah i know! he loved it

Erin: if he didn't like it he could have stayed in the bedroom instead of being an asshole

me: i mean, he's RULL protective of his magic carpet

Buzz from erin shea

Apr 15

 - Google chat status - 

erin shea wants to jean jam in her jean pants

erin shea to Susan, Liz, Mercedes, Susan, Russ, Amanda, Debra, Danny, David

show details Apr 15

chareth cutestory!

gha you guys. last night at around 5 i decided yoga was out and drinking was in and to my delight, EH was right on that bandwagon. So we went to Danny's good ass restaurant and had a fancy ass meal complete with black bottom jean pants fluffernutter pie with the furrrrrr. That place is TOO SOON it's so good. Then when Danny finished his shift we went to East of 8th, which Susan I guess you guys went there too. They have a late-night happy hour so we had some beers and then split. But some people did nahhhht appreciate getting woken up at dawn by Elliot JERK and snoozed all the way until the time I usually leave for work. Erin just showed up and I got here about 15 minutes ago. Luckily, our office is so tucked away that no one notices us come and go so it is a-ok.

I'm tired and hungeeeeee.  TGIEFFFFFFFF. I've been in NY a whole week!!!

- Show quoted text -

erin shea to David, susancho78, Mercedes, Liz, Amanda, Danny, Russ, Debra

show details Apr 15

WAIT.

you guys, last night Erin and I were talking about Fritz and his jean pants and it turns out I heard wrong (me?) and she was saying that Fritz has GENIE pants. You know, because he has a magic carpet. And his leg fur DOES look much more like genie pants than jean pants. But she was like, 'well, jean pants caught on, so I just never clarified.' STUPID. Also:

http://thehairpin.com/2011/04/what-to-get-the-man-in-your-life-for-easter

- Show quoted text -

Liz Pfeffer to Mercedes, me, Russ, susancho78, David, Debra, Amanda, Danny

show details Apr 15

That makes me feel so much more sane (sanity is a cozy lie whispers) because the jean pants thing was NAAHT registering when you guys were trying to tell me.

-       Show quoted text –

Susan Cho to Mercedes, Russ, me, Amanda, Debra, Liz, David, Danny

show details Apr 15

God dammit. Jean pants is like the creeper for today.

Every time I think I'm over it being funny, I think about it, and it

makes me laugh out loud.

Guh. I have to go get a damn oil change on my lunch.

I hope its like me: fast and cheap.

Susan Cho to Mercedes, Russ, me, Amanda, Debra, Liz, David, Danny

show details Apr 15

GUh. And all those y's in her "hey" are really bugging me. They're

getting my jean pants all twisted into knots.

erin shea to Danny

show details Apr 28

well i'na care. i will nahhhhht be looking to meet the next JB tonight, considering my jean pants are still wet from being outside long enough to cross ONE street back to the office from the deli where I picked up lunch and although I'll shower after yoga, it won't be pretty. But yeah, it's just plain Brindisi for me to get to 14th from my yoga studio, so legs go! We can always switch it up if it's TOO gay. Or Erin and I can just pretend we're a couple. A couple of Erin's!

- Show quoted text -

So, that's that. And in case you didn't click on that link in whichever email that was above, feast your eyes. Jean pants are a real thing, my friends. And they're not just for never-nudes. 

And if you're looking for more jean pants fun, this is funny: 
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/04/super_terrific_japanese_thing_jeanpants.php

So get out there and start talkin' about your jean pants!


Jean Pants: 
The pants-like fur covering the hind haunches of furry ass cats. Also a term for regular old pants, panties, undies, grundies or whatever you wanna put on them new-boot-goofin' legs.

ONG Get Ready!!

This one's dedicated to Mr. Danny Krueger, for, amongst the obvious reasons, the fact that, come April 7th, we'll be bashing around living our vest New York lives ever.


You know those mornings when the buzz of your phone wakes you up and it’s Saturday and you’re realllly not ready to be awake, let alone letting any sort of light source penetrate your eyes? And then you manage to peel your eyelids apart enough to expose the part of your eye that reads words and once you’ve recovered from being blinded by the li-ight, you see that your phone has buzzed because someone has texted you, and when you look to see who it is, it’s one of your friends, who should know that it’s wayyyyyy too early to be texting on a Saturday? Well. I know those mornings. I know them all too well.

One such morning, I was peacefully sleeping off one of the most random nights I can own up to in Los Angeles; needless to say it had ended with a trip to the Smogcutter for last-call karaoke. As my eyes adjusted, my nose became perfumed with the stench of stale beer and secondhand smoke. Delicious. As my stomach turned, I focused the name of the son of a bitch offender text sender—Danny Krueger. It read simply,

‘Ready for what?’

I was thoroughly confused. ‘What?’ I managed to type out.

‘Last night, you texted me, twice, ‘ong, ong get ready!’’

Well. Thanks a lot, Smogcutter. My best guess is that I sang one of our signature karaoke songs and fully planned on calling Danny mid-rendition, as we tend to do, but…forgot? Didn’t sing? Wasn’t referencing the karaoke at all? Hmm. Guess we’ll never know.

But that doesn’t mean it has been forgotten. Oh. Quite the opposite. At least when it comes to Danny and me: 

erin shea to Amanda, Susan, Danny, Mercedes

show details 4/16/10

omega you guys. DUMB. they just opened a zip line on catalina. even more incentive to go on our best open waters cruise life ever!!!

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erin shea to Amanda, Susan, Danny, Mercedes

show details 4/16/10

i mean vest. definitely vest.

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erin shea to Amanda, Susan, Danny, Mercedes

show details 4/16/10

also, i just thought about when i sent danny those two drunk texts that i didn't remember and the next day I had a text from him that said, 'get ready for what?' and when i asked what he was talking about, he said, "last night you sent me two texts that said 'ong get ready.'" DUMB!!!

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Danny Krueger to me, Amanda, Susan, Mercedes

show details 4/16/10

HA!  I forgot about ong!

You guys, that would be so fun to go to Catalina!  As soon as I get rich, we're going.

erin shea to Danny, susancho78, Amanda, Mercedes

show details 6/15/10

you guys.

o.n.g. get ready.

http://www.sporcle.com/games/LaCosaNostra/90s_tv_themes

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Danny Krueger to Susan, me

show details 9/11/10

Fwd: Your hotel booking confirmation (Itinerary #15436696521)   

Ong, ong, get ready!

 We're going.  Susan, if you can't afford it, we'll totes help you out.  It's like 57 per person, total.  You must come, you juice head.

 Disney bottoms, get on top!!!

Danny Krueger to Liz, Amanda, Russ, me, to, Mercedes, Debra, David

show details 9/17/10

Um, if anyone is not working during the day, they need to call me so we can go drinking.  Seriously.  I'm bored over here.

Although now I'm off to spin class.

But basically I'm saying I'm available for going out ANY night.  Or any day.  I want to soak up my friends while I still can.

ERIN.  What's going on with you?  Ong, ong, get ready.

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Danny Krueger to Russ, susancho78, Amanda, me, Mercedes, David, Liz

show details 11/4/10

I know, the one thing I'm bummed about is that I let myself get low-balled.  Like, I should have said "That's not enough money" and held out for something else, but I guess I was just kind of desperate.  And it'll be over before I know it, and it'll be money in my pocket.  So I'm gonna keep my eye on that prize.  Maybe the temp agency is just testing me.  I want to be on their good list, so they'll keep searching for stuff for me.

The commute isn't awful.  I've been doing it practically every day since we got here.  It's just expensive.  But we'll definitely be living the Sex and the City lifestyle in our Upper East Side apartment before the end of the year, so my commute is about to get MUCH easier.  So that's good.

And I just applied for another real job this morning (afernoon here!) so hopefully SOMEONE will bite.  We'll see.

Oh, speaking of Sex and the City, I was walking through a subway station yesterday, and the Sex and the City theme shuffled up on the Dave and Danny-ilation album, and it totally made me smile.  You guys are the best.

My parents said it was 80 degrees in SLO yesterday!  Can you believe that shit?  East Coast is fucking crazy.  Ong, ong, get ready!

Time to memorize my lines for this puppet show.  It's...real cute.

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Now, the honorable mention this time around goes to Mercedes Taylor, who coined the audible expression by pronouncing ong as its own word rather than as an acronynm. So it sounds like Mike Hong's last name if the H was silent. So ong ong, get ready to start using another DFT phrase like it's your job. Go on. Do it. 


ONG Get Ready!
An anticipatory statement used to let errrrybody know it's time to get excited!!! Maybe ONG can stand for Oh Now Girrrrrrrl....GET READY. Yeah.